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Open Adoption Blog

03/12/07

Your Child's Birthday

Posted by : Coley S. in Open Adoption Blog at 10:23 pm , 470 words, 119 views
Categories: Emotions, For Birthmoms, Seasons In Adoption, Birthdays

I recently had a topic request from a fellow birthmom.

”My child’s first birthday is coming up and I am having a hard time emotionally. I am afraid that his birthday will be rough. Can you suggest some things I could do or ways to take my mind off his birthday?”

I agree – birthdays are rough! I really think that no matter what you do, you are not going to be able to stop yourself from thinking of your child. It is the day you gave life to him or her and the events leading up to that momentous occasion will surely be played in your mind over and over on that day and the days leading up to your child’s birthday.

I used to think that the first birthday was the worst and that they would get easier to deal with as my son got older. I don’t necessarily believe that anymore. I think that the first was the worst because I didn’t know what to expect and with his birthdays now, I am more aware of how I may feel and know ways to deal with those feelings so I am more prepared.

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If you are in an open adoption and distance is not an issue, you could of course try and set up a visit on or near your child’s birthday. I’ve always been able to be with Charlie on his birthday, but I know for some folks it’s not that easy. Some people can not just drive an hour or two and be with their child which makes birthday visits may be near impossible.

Some other ideas on ways to honor your child’s birthday are:

Bake a cake or have a cupcake in honor of your child.

Light a candle and say a prayer in honor of your birth child.

Volunteer at a local children's charity or donate money to a children's charity in your child's honor.

Write your child a birthday letter reflecting on the past year. (This is a great tradition to start and something I do yearly. I mail a card with the letter in it to Charlie each year, but you don’t have to mail them. You could keep them till your child is older if you wish.)

Don’t be alone. Spend the day with supportive friends or family, go see a movie, go to dinner, or plan some kind of activity.

Talk with a counselor or someone that supported you during your pregnancy and adoption plan.

Do something special for yourself that day, get a manicure, buy a "happy", or do some retail therapy!

If any birthmoms reading have other ideas as to something they did on their birthchild’s birthday that worked for them, please comment and leave that idea!

6 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Theresa [Member]

· http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/

Good ideas!

My Allie is 5 today - her bmom called for brother's birthday last Wed, but not for her birthday today. She did get to talk to mom then - and she likely didn't notice no call today - but makes things interesting for all of us to figure out, to say the least.

Not just to dump, but to add that, for my kids, they LOVE getting a birthday call or card from their birth moms! I love some of the ideas you have for the moms - I'll share some of them with "our moms"....

Permalink 03/12/07 @ 23:35

Comment from: Jan Baker [Member]

· http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/

Coley, I think it is important to be prepared that it will be a difficult day, and plan something that makes it easier for you. Great suggestions!

Since reunion, I rejoice in my son's birthdays now. Most birth moms I know say birthdays are one of the hardest day of the year for them. Mothers' Day is worse!

I called my son on his birthday a year or so ago at the exact time he was born to wish him happy birthday. That was sweet - I enjoyed it alot.

Permalink 03/13/07 @ 00:11

Comment from: Coley S. [Member]

· http://open.adoptionblogs.com

TY for the comment Theresa!

Jan, how very cool that you called him at the exact time that he was born. I will have to do that with Charlie one year... when he is older though as it was late at night! And I agree birthdays and Mother's Days are the worst!

Permalink 03/13/07 @ 00:58

Comment from: siss_sunflower [Member]

Coley Hello!
(My little guy just turned 1, our celebration plan with his Birthmother) We made a Vow in the hosptial to his Birthmom to light a special candle for her each year on my son's birthday. As my Son's birthday approached both she and I talked about it and she decided that she wanted to get us the candle - so she did I met her for a great lunch and she presented my son and I with a beautiful candle that she had put so much thought into. She also got one for herself, we decided to light them at the same time and let them burn for 1/2hr or hr - so no matter where we are we can always have that time together. We both lit the candle at the time my son was born. It was a very special celebration - we said a little wish/prayer and blew it out. We had the candle with us at his party sort of a way to have her there. All day she was on our minds & as always in our hearts!

We are about to have a birthday lunch and go to a play land for my son in the coming weekend with her. For her own privacy and due to our protective ways over her feelings and heart - we did not feel comfortable having her at the big party with many family members/friends. Many people don't understand our blessed situation and we do not exspect them to, but feel that keeping our relationship seperate is best for all involved. You really have to be in our shoes, or the shoes of an (open)adoptive parent to understand our love for her, our situation, and the joy she brings to our life.

From here on out we will always have our special candle on me son's birthday - and make special calls/cards when our special dates arrive for an ex. the day we met her - we called on our 1yr anv to wish her well. There are just special things only we share, and this journey should be celebrated.

Maybe you got some ideas from this... also we took many pics and will get those to her - we will be taking many pics when we meet with her.

That's all for now

Permalink 03/16/07 @ 01:08

Comment from: siss_sunflower [Member]

One Great bit of info -
The Saturday before Mother's day is
BIRTHMOTHER'S DAY - A great time to get together and celebrate!! A special day just for all of the amazing and huge hearted Birthmother's out there.

Permalink 03/16/07 @ 01:11

Comment from: Coley S. [Member]

· http://open.adoptionblogs.com

Siss_Sunflower,

Thank you for the comment! Your candle tradition sounds mighty special! That is a great idea and tradition that you and your son's birthmom can share. How special!

Permalink 03/16/07 @ 06:19

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