When I was pregnant and considering adoption for Charlie, I’d never really heard of open adoption. In fact, I didn’t’ know much about adoption at all. I remember a girl in high school who had placed her baby for adoption bringing pictures to school to show people so I knew I would probably be able to at least get pictures of him. But I didn’t realize that I would be able to have contact and a relationship with Charlie and his family.

It was actually Charlie’s adoptive Mom who first told me about open adoption. (Or adoptive mom to be since I was still pregnant at the time.) I remember her saying “You know you can see him over the years if you want to, right?” No! I didn’t know that. She then explained to me that their daughter’s birthmom occasionally visited with them and they kept in contact with her and provided her with pictures and what not. She also explained that she had done reading and research regarding open adoption and most of what she came across said that open adoption was better for the child. He’d have direct access to his birth family and I’d be there when he had questions. That made sense to me and I agreed that open adoption was probably what I wanted for Charlie, but I still wasn’t sure. I was nervous about how it would work out, if I’d be able to handle seeing him, if they’d keep their word, etc.

Ultimately, I did choose open adoption. At times it can be hard, but I know it’s the best thing for Charlie.

We don’t really have a set “schedule” for visits or any sort of post adoption agreement that says we should have “X” amount of visits per a year. We just do what feels natural and right for us. The first year of Charlie’s life, I saw him a lot. I worked at a restaurant in the town his adoptive family lived in and they’d bring him in to visit me and we’d get together a lot. The second year, I pulled away because I just needed space. I didn’t quit seeing him, it just wasn’t as much as I did the first year. Now, I probably see him 5-6 times a year just depending on what’s going on in our lives. We always share special occasions – birthdays, Christmas, my wedding, etc.

Just because I get to see my son doesn’t mean I don’t grieve or hurt over the loss of mothering Charlie. I think that sense of loss will always shadow the important and special occasions in his life.

In conclusion, if I sit down and think about it, the answer to the question “Why did I choose adoption?” is ultimately because it was the best thing for Charlie.