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A few weeks ago I read this commentary by FireMom, and it’s been rolling around in my head ever since, waiting until I had time to write about it.
During our pre-adoptive educational classes, we learned that as adoptive parents we have to take care not to overshare, because the story of our children’s adoption belongs to the children, to share or keep private as they see fit. This seems easy enough; somewhere between complete frankness and total secrecy lies a place called privacy, and that is where we walk, talking openly about adoption where it is relevant and keeping our children’s stories private when it is not.
Any adoption story is really three stories: one belonging to the first parents, one to the adoptive parents, and one to the child. The first parents’ story involves the pregnancy and birth, the circumstances that led them to consider adoption, and the decision to place. The adoptive parents’ story involves the decision to have a family, possibly difficulties doing things “the usual way,” and the decision to adopt. The child’s story overlaps both of these, and there is further overlap as the story continues after the child is born, when the first parents and adoptive parents begin forging an open adoption relationship.
From the beginning, I have been anxious to not overshare. I can, of course, share whatever I choose about the part of the story that belongs to me (with appropriate veto power given to George), but so much of the story I want to tell overlaps with the other two parts that it’s difficult to see sometimes where my story ends and the others begin. This is less of a problem in my role as a blogger, since I have some semblance of anonymity and I can share relevant details in a vague way that gets my general point across without sharing too much detail. In the real world, though—in my personal blog as well as my interactions with people I know—I find it more difficult, because people ask questions, and they don’t always understand why I’m not comfortable giving them the answers they’re looking for.
Open adoption complicates things a bit as well. In the old days, when someone asked questions like “Do you know anything about their mother?” or “Why did she give them up?” adoptive parents could often answer—honestly—“I don’t know.” End of story; no danger of sharing information that wasn’t theirs to share. But I know the answers to these questions; they’re just not part of my story, and so they’re not mine to tell.
There are no simple answers here; every family has to determine for themselves how much they are comfortable sharing, and often this happens by trial and error. I choose to err on the side of sharing less; I figure I can always share more later on if I choose, but once I’ve shared something I can’t take it back. I don’t expect to always be successful at protecting everyone’s privacy, but I hope I am more often than not—and that if I do fall short and overshare, D (or, later, JellyBean and Little Guy) will tell me so.
Meaghan,
There are not 3 stories. There are one- the child’s. If that child didn’t exist, you would not be blogging your days away. Get over yourself and do not create a stigma about adoption that the child will have to live with for the rest of his life. I know you may think that your feelings are very important, but being a real mom means putting your sons feelings ahead of your own, which means acknowledging the adoption and the truths and realities of adoption. Protecting privacy? Please. If you hadn’t bought into the stigmas already, or weren’t so overwhelmed by your own insecurities, “privacy” issues would not exist. Do some research instead of blabbing away all day in a blog, and maybe get some therapy about mothering.
Yes, protecting privacy.
Their first mother’s privacy, which I try to protect by not sharing things about her life and her story that she might rather I not share with the world at large. And my children’s privacy, which I try to protect by being judicious about what details of their story I share with others.
I am first and foremost concerned with my children’s feelings. That’s precisely why I am concerned with keeping their story *theirs*—so that they can share or not share the details as they see fit, and with whom they choose.
“Acknowledging the truths and realities of adoption” doesn’t require sharing every private detail of how my children came to be and the specifics of why their first mother chose to place them with anyone who asks. Those details are no one’s business but my children’s and their first mother’s. If you see my refusal to share them as creating or buying into a stigma or evidence of insecurity, so be it. I disagree.
Well Meghann not to correct you but we are called birth mothers not first mothers. I don’t mind my sons parents sharing information about me. We have an open adoption so I get pictures every month and letters and if my sons parents ever want to know what they can share about me they just send a letter and I send one back. Now if it is not an open adoption then I wouldn’t share anything about her story. Yes, you are right there are 3 stories but if it isn’t yours to share I wouldn’t. If you are unsure about whether its okay to share her story or not just ask her.
Well I knew you wouldn’t agree Meghann. That was not the point. Just focus on being a better mother- walk that talk.
Wow karmapolice. You sound a bit bitter.. Perhaps it’s you that needs the therapy?
There is nothing wrong with respecting other peoples privacy.
karmapolice -
FTR, Meghann is a fantastic mother.
Thxkbai
What is wrong with people? Some people obviously are overly sensitive. For the record – there are 3 stories and I agree with Meghann. That is why it is called a triad – three parts that came together to form a relationship, but each has a story all their own. Birthparents/firstparents cannot understand the journey that leads adoptive parents to adoptive parenthood (and the agony, frustration, etc) and try as we might us adoptive parents cannot fully understand birthparents/firstparents and the struggles/emotions they go through. Everyone in the triad has a story – how they got there, the placement and how it touched/changed thier lives for better or worse. Those of us who are not adoptees cannot pretend to understand what it is like to be an adoptee and how it affects your life. In blogging, especially on such a complicated relationship, their obviously has to be concerns with privacy. It is a matter of respect and should not be criticized. If “blogging your days away” is such a bad thing then why are you reading it KarmaPolice?
On the subject of the whole birthmother/firstmother thing – as adoptive parents it is difficult to know what to call our children’s biological parents. If we say birthmother some are offended. Then some have suggested first mother. Obviously some are offended by that. What are we supposed to say? For the record, I usually say “biological mom, dad, parent, etc.”