Continuted

About a year ago our daughter’s birthmother was released, returned home and appeared to all of us to be getting her life back together. Soon she found herself pregnant. We spoke of what she wanted at that time, and she wanted to try to raise her baby. We let her know we supported her. We sent her clothing, toys, a baby bed, along with as much verbal and moral support as we could offer to let her know she was capable if she worked hard and stayed clean, problem is she did not. She sort of co-parented with great grandma, who she lived with, for the first 5 months. Now she has left and will no doubt be out of the picture indefinitely.

As soon the baby was born I noticed some different behavior with great grandma. I noticed she no longer called and asked to speak to our daughter. When she did talk to her, she did not ask about the things that were going on with her, she simply talked about the baby. She did not invite us to her home as often as before. I also noticed than when we were all together she carried the baby around and would not let anyone hold him or visit with him, including my daughter (or even his own mother!). I blew it off as a mild case of her trying to spoil him. I should have been more alarmed that this was really adoption related issues rearing its ugly head. Why adoption issues? I mean this baby was not adopted right? My guess is that she had not come to terms as we had thought with our daughter’s adoption. With the birth of the new baby she seemed to have the attitude that they were doing this, so they probably could have done the same for our daughter. Problem is the same issues were still in play and everything hinged on the baby’s mother doing her part. Unfortunately she failed to follow through. We all tried hard to help her make it work, but she made her own choice to walk away. I see great grandma taking her anger and frustrations out on us, so I understand where it’s coming from, but it makes it no less the hurtful. I think she is understanding that something now is going to give soon. I am not saying that the baby needs to be adopted, but just sadly that life circumstances will soon make it impossible for anyone in his family to care for him. I have no idea what they will ultimately do and that scares me as much as it must them. I worry about my daughters relationship with her sibling, and I worry about the baby’s future.

That phone call just left me so sad. I probably have said more here than I should share with the whole world (does anyone really read this anyway?). I just feel so devastated that great grandma will not accept any form of help, even temporarily from us so that the baby will not go into foster care. One of the things she also said was that she would rather he go to foster care than to us. I do not think she even understands the impact of that statement. The phone conversation came as a complete shock that day although now I can see it was indeed building for some time. If nothing else I have learned how things can go wrong and how the impact of new children in the birth family after an adoption can certainly change the dynamics of your relationship.


Photo Credit- Kate Brooks/Polaris