Recently my co-blogger, Deb, wrote an excellent post about having an open adoption despite disapproval from family and friends. Being a adoptive mother , Deb wrote this from an adoptive mother’s perspective, but I think that some birthparents have to deal with this as well.

Personally speaking, I think my parents were probably a little wary of the whole open adoption concept. It was foreign to them and I don’t think they understood initially the ways that it might benefit the child. Also, coming from the era of closed adoptions, an open adoption was just odd. I don’t think the pictures part was bothersome (because my Mom asked before Charlie was born if I would show her pictures of him from time to time) but I think the visits were not comprehendible.

I have heard other birthmothers discuss that their family has a hard time with the openness as well. Sometimes family members will not want to discuss, mention, or see pictures of the child. This can be hard to a struggling birthmother as she may need acceptance and validation from her friends and family of her own motherhood.

Why would our families not eagerly support us in an open adoption?
1. They are not educated on adoption issues and may not understand that open adoption can benefit a child. Depending on their age, they may only be accustomed to closed adoption and might not even really understand what open adoption is.
2. They may worry about our feelings as a birthparent. They see open adoption (rightly so) as being hard on a birthparent and may worry that it would be too emotional on you.
3. They feel that open adoption will not allow you to “move forward.” They think that seeing your child will keep you stuck in the moment.
4. Open adoption may be too emotional on them. Placing a child for adoption not only affects a birthparent, but it affects her extended family as well.

How can we as birthparents participating in open adoptions let our families know that open adoption is a good thing for us?
1. Educate them about open adoptions and the benefit that are provided for a child in an open adoption.
2. Let them know that we understand the emotional side of open adoption as it is very emotional for us too. If you can handle it, you can offer to let them share their thoughts and feelings on open adoption when it becomes overwhelming.
3. Continue moving forward in your life for yourself, but this is also proof to them that you are not “stuck in the moment” so to speak. Also let them know that it brings you comfort to know where your child is and see him/her healthy and happy.

Open adoption is bittersweet and it’s nice if we can have our families support us, but even after educating them and discussing it with them they still might not understand.

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Related Posts:
Open Adoption despite the Disapproval
What Open Adoption Is