Open Adoption, Adoption Openness, Adoption Contact

10/14/06

When Open Adoptions Close

Posted by : Coley S. in Open Adoption Blog at 01:09 pm , 375 words, 103 views
Categories: Struggling with Openess, Rants and Ravings, Stories and Situations

I thought I’d interrupt my support network series in order to bring you some real life drama that occurred last night…

One of the BirthMom Buds contacted me because she’d had a truly horrible day and needed to talk. I asked her if I could share with all my readers why her day was so terrible and she agreed.

Let me begin with a little background information on this birthmother, whom we will call K. K placed her son in an open adoption about sixteen months ago. She was supposed to receive yearly visits along with update letters and photos through out the year.

Today, she received a letter in the mail from her agency informing her that her son’s adoptive parents are choosing to end the adoption. Apparently this is the first time that this agency has experienced an open adoption closing so they were a little unsure of how to proceed. The adoptive parents stated to the agency that they would like to see K one last time to explain to her why they thought “closing the adoption was in the best interests of the child.”

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Now you are probably thinking something along the lines of “did she do something to make them want to close the adoption?” Absolutely not! K is a bright girl with a big future ahead of her. She’s not into drugs or anything other types of activities that could make the visits harmful to the child.

Oh, my heart just breaks for her! I even sometimes feel guilty when speaking with birthmoms who are in closed adoption or who’s adoptions have closed since mine is pretty open. When talking to K, I knew her heart was breaking, but I just didn’t know what to say to make her feel better. I hope just knowing I was there for her was enough.

Now, I must say that I realize not all adoptive parents are like this and not all adoptions close. I’d like to think that the majority of adoptive parents are honoring the commitments they made to their children’s birthmother.

I’m also not trying to scare anyone considering adoption. Opening adoptions closing are something to be forewarned about though.

9 comments

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Comment from: Peanut [Member]

It really hurts my heart that K. is going through this. It makes me wonder how well the adoption agency really prepared these adoptive parents for the realities of adoption. Now the agency does not know how to handle the fall out? I truly hope this agency will council the adoptive parents to reconsider. It is HARD emotional work to be involved in an open adoption, but the effort you put into it is multipled so many times over by what you are giving the child. It becomes more natural, more comfortable in time and you will be glad you stayed the course.
As an adoptive parent if there was one thing I could say to this adoptive family it would be...
PLEASE don't take what might appear now to be the easy road,you will see later you have left a most precious part of your child behind as well.

Permalink 10/14/06 @ 19:17

Comment from: Dr. G [Member]

· http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/

i wonder if the trend toward open adoption now is putting some adoptive parents in the awkward situation of not knowing how to say "no" to the open adoption option to start with. sort of the exact opposite of first moms who feel they were coerced into saying "yes" to adoption period. i can envision a situation in which an adoptive parent, being new and totally overwhelmed by the entire adoption process could be made to feel that the only right way to do adoption is to agree to an open adoption, even though they might not really feel that way, or even want an open adoption. but the "pressure" to have an open adoption is so great, particularly in the current adoption climate, that they fear to say "no" would mean they are bad parents, or maybe even would keep them from becoming parents...and so they relent and say yes, and then when they get into what open adoption means for them they get overwhelmed and close it. do you think this happens?

Permalink 10/14/06 @ 21:59

Comment from: cherise30 [Member]

I am a new birthmother-my son is 32 days old and lives in Washington. This last month has been the hardest of my life and I'm still not sure it was the right decision for me. I really look forward to any contact I have with my baby's family, and while before the adoption took place they were very willing to keep the lines open--they haven't returned any of my letters. I know they're busy with a new baby but I wish they'd realize that my days aren't filled with the joys they're experiencing and that all I have is those letters abd pictures. Don't they feel for me and the agony I'm going through--the agony I'm going through that allows their joy. How can they not want to ease my pain--it seems the least they could do for what I've done for them. Right? Am I wrong? Maybe my pain is making me jump to conclusions-- I'm sure they're just busy and not avoiding me. I pray.

Permalink 10/14/06 @ 23:44

Comment from: lahdh4 [Member]

I am so sorry for her!! my heart is breaking.

Permalink 10/15/06 @ 14:36

Comment from: Marmy_4 [Member]

Id hate to think that open adoption is a "trend". But seeing so many getting closed cause the group involved wasnt prepared for this makes it so hearbreaking. There really needs to be more help and true counceling for all parties involved!

Permalink 10/17/06 @ 23:05

Comment from: Brittanys1stmom [Member]

· http://www.birthmombuds.com/showcase_alicia.htm

As I have been through a similiar situation, I feel so bad for her.

Permalink 10/19/06 @ 21:54

Comment from: Carol Lapolla [Member]

Regarding open adoption, my son's twins are presently in a foster home, and will be adopted by the foster parents. He is hoping to have an open adoption, as was suggested by the foster parents. Does Florida have an "open" adoption policy? Where can I find out? If so, will he be allowed to request any special "rights" in an open adoption or is this up to the adopting parents?

Permalink 11/03/06 @ 20:12

Comment from: vbigelow [Member]

I'm not surprised by what happened to K at all. Open adoption is often an empty promise and an unenforceable one once the b mom terminates her rights. All the more reason for women in crisis pregnancies to do their research and exhausting every other possible solution before opting for something as extreme as placing their child for adoption. Here's a place to start: http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf

Permalink 12/13/06 @ 23:02

Comment from: DebCsMom [Member]

I'm an adoptive mom in 3 VERY open adoptions. It breaks my heart to hear K's story. How could they do that to her!?!?!?! That is wrong, in my opinion. When we were matched, we made a PROMISE to our child's first mom. We told them, "this is the minimum we can offer you, it can develop into more, but will NEVER be less". They TRUSTED us to keep that promise. They placed all their faith in our words! They made their decision on parents a FUTURE for their child on what we told them!! How horrible for all that to turn into a BIG LIE!

I cried when I read K's & Cherise's story. I hope they can heal from the lies & broken trust.

Permalink 01/05/07 @ 13:32

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