I’ve talked before about my love of music and how I can hear certain songs and just connect with the lyrics for one reason or another. The Rascal Flatts song, What Hurts the Most, is no different. It reminds me of how I sometimes feel as a birthmother. I’m going to share certain parts of the lyrics and explain why they make me feel the way I do. If you’d like to read the complete lyrics for the song check out this webpage.

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

This part reminds me of when I first became a birthmom and was struggling so much with all the mixed emotions I was feeling. I would put on a happy face and a brave front and try to pretend what happened didn’t really happen. Of course, that didn’t work, denial usually never does.

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret

This part of the last verse is similar to the above part from the first verse and again takes me back to those early days after relinquishment. The few months directly following Charlie’s birth and relinquishment were very hard. I would go somewhere (such as a restaurant) that I had been while pregnant and instantly remember being there before, touching my belly there, feeling my baby fluttering around there. I tried to put on a brave front for family and friends. I did not want them to see me as weak, but it was not easy. Some days, I didn’t want to get out of the bed and face the world.

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

Above is the chorus with the bold words being the ones that speak to me the loudest; the not knowing what could have been part. I struggle with that on a regular basis wondering what my family would have been like today had I chosen to parent Charlie instead of placing him for adoption.

I have accepted the fact that what’s done is done now and try to deal with it the best way I can, even if it still hurts.

--
Other Songs:
My Wish
One More Day
More Today than Yesterday
Little Wonders