I wish I knew of a location that had accurate information about the number of adoptions that begin as open arrangements, and later end up being closed. I am sure this happens all too often. Online in the forums I hear about many frustrated birthparents who have had their child’s open adoption closed on them, so many with out warning, or even a valid reason. I also hear many adoptive parents who have had birthparents drop out of their lives after what had seemed like a close relationship, often many years in the making. No matter who is doing the closing, birth or adoptive parents, they each really need to be informed and fully consider what dropping out of touch will do to their child’s psychological development.

Closing an adoption is never something that a family or birthparent should consider with out a lot of careful thought. When a child has established a relationship with their birthfamily, and for whatever reason, the contact abruptly ends, it adds another unique layer to that child’s attachment/trauma issues. I have heard many adoptees state that this ‘second abandonment’ is often far worse than the initial one, because it takes an already fractured sense of trust and pushes it beyond the limits.

The initial trauma of being separated from their family of origin has left scars and trust issues for the child, even if they do not consciously recall the separation. To have that same family then leave an established relationship with a child (one who may be old enough now to understand on a more conscious level) is an additional devastating abandonment to the child. Sometimes closing an adoption is unavoidable, but parents need to be sure that there are really no other options left to them before they consider something so drastic.

In one of my own situations, my middle child had a close relationship with her birthmother for over a year and a half, only to have her leave again. For a child who was already struggling with feelings of loss, to have her birthmother leave the situation again meant that her feelings of fear and anxiety increased ten fold. As things stand now, we have been forced to opt for no further contact (should she ever return) in order to avoid the birthmothers unstable situation. Her dropping in and out of contact has become damaging to our daughter, and in order to avoid further emotional problems for our daughter we have had to leave contact between the adults only. Not an easy choice, but really in our situation, the choices that her birthmother made have caused the closing of our contact with her. I might note that this particular child (my daughter) and her reactions have been extreme. She is currently in therapy for reactive attachment disorder, and her behaviors worsened when her birthmom left the relationship. In her case, and every child and situation are unique, more set up for possible loss again would be devastating. Our family has had to make this choice, not because we like it, but because we cannot allow more emotional damage for our daughter.

Reasons that I don’t believe are good ones for closing an open adoption? Perhaps that the adoptive parents just do not feel like visits, or don’t feel comfortable in their role as parents to a child who also has another set of parents. For birthparents perhaps leaving because things feel too emotional or difficult for themselves. Getting angry because things are not what you expected, or the adults are having issues with regrets, feelings of anger or disappointment toward each other. These are just a few reasons that should not close an adoption, but should really send the adults into good counseling together to work things out. We, as the adults have to understand that the decisions we make about contact can have intense emotional outcomes for our children, so we should think before we make those decisions.

Contact, Seeing Things Differently

Trust - Does It Grow Overnight?

Does The Learning Process Ever End?


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