I find it interesting that some people in the adoption triad wear more than one adoption “hat,” meaning that they hold more than one position in the adoption triad. Since becoming active in the adoption community, I have learned that each triad member has their own set of emotions as a result of their “position” in the adoption triad. It’s hard enough to deal with the emotions of just one triad role, but two??

Recently, I interviewed three different women who have dual roles in the adoption triad. They have each been kind enough to share their unique stories with us and over the next few days, I will be posting their stories.

First let me introduce you to Lisa. Lisa is a birthmother, but she is also an adoptee. Lisa is currently in her 40’s and is from Minnesota.

“I am the 6th of eight children of which four are adopted. I have always known that I was adopted. My parents always made sure I could ask questions or talk about how I felt being adopted.”

While Lisa recalls her adoptive parents always being so open and honest with her regarding her adoption and she always felt very safe and loved, she still felt different from her adoptive parents and siblings. She was always looking at women in church or the supermarket wondering if they could be her birthmother.

In 1986, when Lisa was 21 years old and in her third year of college, she found out she was pregnant.

“My parents being very devout Irish Catholics gave me little choice but to move to a convent that housed a program for unwed mothers. I gave birth to a baby boy named Josh who I placed for adoption.”

Ironically, Lisa named her son Josh and his adoptive parents named him Josh not knowing that she had named him Josh too!

Lisa feels that her being adopted did affect her decision to place Josh for adoption. She never felt abandoned growing up so she didn’t feel like she was abandoning her child and she knew that his adoptive parents could love and care for a child that was not biologically related to them, just as her adoptive parents had cared and loved for her.

However, Lisa did want there to be one thing different in Josh’s adoption compared to her own. She didn’t want him to have to wonder who she was…

"From the beginning I wanted my child to know who I was but the most open adoption choice in Minnesota in 1986 was to send photos and letters without last names. Josh’s adoptive Mom was also adopted, but not until after mother died. She was adopted in her local community so she maintained contact with her siblings and birthfather. When Josh was four, she contacted the agency with a letter to me saying that she and Josh wanted to meet me. She knew from my letters that I wanted Josh to know who I was so that he did not struggle with his “roots” like I did.”

Lisa got her wish for Josh not to have the “birthmother fantasies” that she did and was able to have an ongoing interactive open adoption relationship with him.

Stay tuned for the next post in which Lisa will share about her search for her own birthmother.

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Forum discussion on being more than One Member of the Triad

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