While I was away, my family and I took a trip to Mississippi for a family wedding. Mississippi is where I was born and where I grew up until we moved to South Carolina. I have fond memories of life in Mississippi and was very excited to go there as I hadn’t been in about five years.

Before I left, I wrote about the trip. I knew that there might be some awkward moments with distant relatives (like third cousins and great-great aunts.) I knew that they might not know about Charlie or what I was up to in my life these days and their questions might bring up the internal do I tell or don’t tell debate. I was prepared for that. I thought ahead of time what situations might come up and what my answers would be. While I was nervous that something might come up, I was ready and prepared. I felt better just knowing that I was prepared.

What I wasn’t prepared for was all of the emotions that would come up just being back in the state. This was my husband’s first trip to Mississippi and Noah doesn’t remember that many of the prior trips. I was able to show Noah and J my childhood home, my old church, my favorite restaurant of all times, etc. As I was playing tour guide, my heart and thoughts turned to Charlie. He will probably never be able to see those places. Those places are a part of who I am and who I have become. They were important pieces of my childhood. They are special to me and while sharing them with J and Noah was meaningful and exciting, I was also saddened by the fact that I may never be able to show Charlie those same places. I was also able to introduce J and Noah to distant family members (like those third cousins I mentioned above) that Charlie may never have the opportunity of meeting.

While it was great to be back in Mississippi for a bit, it ended up being bittersweet as those unexpected emotions came to the surface.

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Photo Credit: Coley S.