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I have to admit… I just don’t get into sentimental adoption stories about poor little waifs being rescued by saintly adoptive parents. I have lost interest in reunion shows where two people who have never met each other cry all over each other’s heads on national TV. Ok, I confess, I sort of hate adoption poetry. A lot of it is just awful and usually ends with a sign off of “group hugs” or something like that.
I think a lot of these stories pander to a cheap sentimentality that never examines the reality of adoption.
I’ll tell you what though, when I think back on a lot of the open adoptions I have had the good fortune to help with, some of the scenes wring my heart.
I’m thinking about the birth father,sitting in my office,sweating profusely. He had walked from his job in the hot summer sun to sign the surrender papers because” I grew up in foster homes and I never want my child to go through that…”
Or the first adoption that I ever did that was an open adoption. I was fairly worried I was going to get fired if something went awry. The adoptive mother insisted. The birth mother was a very young girl from a very impoverished home. The adoptive mother was an upper middle class lady who lunched. She sensed my hesitation, my uncertainty, about arranging a meeting between two such disparate people. The adoptive mom fixed me with a steely, determined glare and said, “You don’t understand something, I love her, she gave me my son.”
Or the baby that died at two days of age. The adoptive parents paid for the funeral. We stood in the cold, windy cemetery with the old priest who trembled so violently from Parkinsons that I had to help him with his vestments. The adoptive parents and the birth mother crying and sobbing and holding on to each other for dear life.
I remember the adoptive parents waiting in my office for the birth mother to bring the baby to them. She sat in the rocking chair for about two hours in the adjoining office, not ready to let go of her precious daughter. The adoptive parents were getting anxious. Was this going to happen? The birth mother walked in with the baby in her arms. Anxious, previously somewhat irritated adoptive parents take one look at her and said, “We can’t do this. We want you to keep your baby.” She looked at them and said firmly, “No,she is yours.”
From all these powerful experiences, I learned that open adoption is a healing force.
Reunion stories rarely feature two people who have never met. They generally involve a child and mother who were separated at birth or shortly after. Trust me if you give birth to a child, whether you have raised that child or not, you have met.
Even if you have never seen the child you relinquished to adoption, if you carried that child for 9 months in your womb, you have met.
Reunion stories did not affect me terribly much – until I met my son = and got to know others who also reunited. Only then did I understand and become affected by reunion stories.
When I began studying adoption after reunion, I wanted to believe that open adoptions worked well generally and inflicted less harm on birth mothers. From what I have seen though, that may not necessarily be the case, especially if promises are broken.
Your examples cite open adoptions at the very beginning. I wonder if you have the opportunity to follow up many open adoptions and see how all the parties are a few years down the road?
Ellen,
I know a lot of people that work in the adoption relm burn out quickly. It all gets old to them.
However, as a adoptive parent of 4 children (open adoption). I feel sorry for you that you have lost your sences of emotion.
Emotional health is one of the biggest issues in adoption. Thats why there are therapists and worry of attachment disorder and a number of other things.
The emotional value of birth parent and biological child is always one of great concern and value. Both the parents and the child have questions and they need andswers.
You can love a child and raise that child and treat it with respect and the deepest charity of your heart. But that will not stop that child from having all the questions of Why? and When? and Who?
So yes open adoption works. So does closed adoptions for infants.
In our case the birth mom is so stoned she could care less. She does not even know the names she gave her children or who they are or what they like. Pretty sad for an open adoption. We have pictures and videos the kids made for her that she may never care to see.
I detest the cold hearted side of adoption. I detest how the birth mom treats our children how she never calls or writes or even asks about them. I hate that the kids have to see the woman who gave birth to them so numb from a life of drugs that, mom does not even recall who they are.
You should see the pain in the childs eyes when this happens. Adoption is an Emotional thing.
I don’t see how anyone could grow cold of seeing children with happy endings and birth parents with memories loving their child.
But then again I’m just one adoptive mom.
Shar
I’m perplexed. I am disappointed my blog was not very clear apparently-I said(in a few sentences) that I am not crazy about 15 minute tv shows that portray sentimental and shallow perspectives on adoption.I am not a fan of reunion shows that don’t do much but show people crying. I then went on to site the experiences I had that I found moving. Very emotional to me as I have spent 21 years working with over 800 families and it continues to affect me emotionally.I have not grown cold to adoption related issues,on the contrary,I continue to be touched by many situations that I encounter. Sorry I was not clear.I didn’t write about the long term aspects of open adoption because that wasn’t my topic. I didn’t write about drug addicted birthparents and their impact on children because ,well,it was irrelevent to what I was blogging about!I have not burned out quickly since I have been working in adoptions since 1984.
Ellen,
I got what you were saying. I hate the ooey-gooey, gushy, overly sentimental type stuff, too. I don’t cry at that stuff, and I find it often simplifies the complexities of adoption.
That doesn’t mean my “sense of emotion” has been dulled. I feel very deeply for my birthdaughter, how her adoption has affected my life and will affect hers, and for other women and the pain they feel in relinquishing.
I actually think it can be a sign of true DEPTH of feeling to have some distaste over the sentimental crap.
well,thanks Nicole. Glad you got what I was struggling to communicate. I think the sentimental stuff lets people off the hook,so to speak. They don’t have to make any effort to really grasp the 3-d nature of adoption.
Wow, I certainly did not get the impression that you are not touched either by situations that you encounter! That was crystal clear to me.
Our experiences are varied so different aspects of adoption touch and affect us. Reunion represents healing for me, so, it touches me deeply. Though even the all-happy unrealistic ones do annoy me a tad too.
I do appreciate that you often speak of some of the truths in adoption that many do not care to examine. Thanks for doing so!
Ellen,
If you don’t understand why people are crying all over each other’s heads on National TV, then you don’t understand adoption and wanting to meet your real mother. I would cry too if I had had a chance to meet my mother. I cry now because I didn’t get to meet her. She died before I could find her. It wouldn’t matter if I was on TV or on a desert island, it would still be emotional.
Just because it isn’t emotional to you doesn’t mean it’s not a sensitive and emotional matter.
Ellen,
It doesn’t matter if I was on National TV or a desert island, I would still cry if I had met my real mother.
Don’t make light of a situation when you don’t even know the people. I never got to meet my mother. She died while I was looking for her.