Coley has posted a birthmom's perspective and here is an adoptive mom's.

1. Be flexible. Not only are your child’s Birthparents unique people, they also have a very different perspective on adoption. What might feel like it works good for you, may not for them, so be open to adjustments that can work for everyone.

2. Talk! Talk! Talk! Keep lines of communication open. Better to call if a child is sick and you can’t make the scheduled visit, or have been too busy to get the pictures in the mail, than to let it go unexplained. When you don’t understand that it not an intentional slight, people start to feel like maybe it was.

3. Plan ahead. If you are going to be moving, changing jobs or your child might be moving to a new school remember to notify your child’s birthfamily when you notify others. No one wants that moment of panic when they realize they can’t connect, especially if an emergency comes up. It also helps to know if your child is going through a large change like a move to another school because then changes in attitude can be better understood. He’s not angry at birthmom, he is just adjusting to new friends and a bit more homework.

4. Keep it child centered. While it’s great if you and your child’s birthparents truly become close friends, remember you don’t have to be. This relationship is about your child and he or she is the one who should benefit from visits most. Sometimes the grown ups have to put aside differences to make things work for the child. The good outcome is that your child learns the value of respecting differing view’s first hand!

5. Keep everything simple. If getting great-aunt Gert to understand at your child’s birthday party that open adoption is OK (and that’s why birthparents are there) is too challenging, try making visits a private affair. Sometimes family parties and get togethers can be fun, other times not so fun. Talk about what works for all of you and make your separate get together plans if needed.

6. Be thoughtful. Sometimes a gift of a hotel night or a treat of dinner involving visits is appreciated. Birthparents might be reestablishing themselves, attending school, acting as a single parent and funds can be tight. If you can better afford to gift a meal during a visit, it’s a very thoughtful gesture. Of course everyone experiences tight times so someday they may return the gesture to you!

7. Think beyond who you know. A lot of extended birthfamily members might have great things to share if you can establish visits with them as well. Birthfamily members beyond your child’s birthparents are often not considered and connected with as much. That can be a shame because it can be awesome to have the experience of SIX sets of grandparents instead of two!

8. Little things mean everything. Sometimes a two minute call can be extra special between regular contact. Your child lost a tooth, lets email a picture, or let them tell it on the phone. Maybe he just wants to say hello. Those everyday events that make up the moments of parenthood are the most treasured by birthparents when you care enough to share.

9. Ask for help. If you are honestly doing the best you can and things are still not coming together don’t be afraid to suggest a third party to assist. This person could be a counselor with the agency you adopted with, a pastor or clergyman you all are comfortable with, or even a friend whose advice you trust. If things warrant more, it’s the best idea to go to a professional.

10. Don’t lay blame. On yourself or anywhere else, it just makes hard feeling grow harder. If you have tried everything you know and things are still not working out you have NOT failed. Everyone faces the challenges of open adoption in their own way, at their own pace. Even if you can never find the comfort level with your child’s birthfamily you had hoped for, just remember their first decision when they placed their baby was to choose YOU. Love your child with that in mind and hopefully they will be able to express on their own to their birthparents that it was trust well placed.