The other day I was talking to my daughter’s birth great-grandma on the phone. She is having quite a few issues with the baby half-brother of my daughter, who she is raising. Of course I am concerned about them both, and I wanted to see how things are going for her. The little guy is developmentally lagging behind, although all of us are certain of his intelligence. For me the attachment/ loss issues could be a lot of what is happening and is as plain as the nose on my face. Great grandma is seeing some of it, but unfortunately not enough at this point in time. I have been encouraging her to look more in that direction for clues to what is going on with the baby, but I also found out that other people are just as actively poo-poohing her explorations of that possibility.

I understand that some help is coming to her in the form of “Parent’s As Teachers” among others. I was really angry though about a comment that one of these helpful people gave her after she voiced some of her questions about possible attachment issues. The woman (although I am unclear on which group she was with) informed her that since she had basically been rasing this child since he was but a few weeks old, that he would not remember the mother and would not be effected by her absence at all. In other words she said he was simply too young too know the difference.

WHAT?

My question is Why are people who have so little real understanding of the loss and abandonment issues out there “helping” others in the first place? How can this woman help if she is completely clueless herself? The facts are that this baby was parented for the first 5 months of life by a distant and detached mother, and that was just to begin with. Her issues were probably in part due to her own childhood experiences, as well as her emotions after placing her first born for adoption. Then this child was abandoned by her. He is a traumatized child, suffering from the very real and fundamental loss of his mother, no matter how poor of a mother to him she might have been. Why is no one teaching the teachers about this stuff?

I have lived with three children who display the challenges brought about from early loss. To others they appear no different, but I see the subtleties that tell me otherwise. The most obvious is my 5 year old (the baby in questions older bio-sib) who is being treated for RAD. She acts out every day testing my devotion and permanence because she is challenged by the abandonment and loss of her first mother. My son, to most everyone who knows him appears to be so sweet and compliant, but to me I acknowledge this is just another manifestation of loss issues. He did not walk till he was 18 months old, and it was clear that the reasons and fears that created the delay were psychological and not physical in nature. This is very common behavior in the adopted child however.

I cannot understand why people continue to dismiss the child’s loss of the mother as unimportant. I would love to make a book like ‘Primal Wound’ by Nancy Verrier required reading for anyone who will be going into the difficult and emotional work of helping families with loss and abandonment traumatized children. Why is no one else already thinking along those lines? I am at a complete loss as to why our society continues to believe that what you choose not to acknowledge just will not hurt you, or in fact just does not exist. Heck I could make all my problems disappear with that kind of logic, at least until I lifted up my living room rug.

I offered to send a copy of several books, ‘Primal Wound’ among them to frazzled great grandma, but she declined stating she really would never have time to read them anyway. I know she probably would not. I can’t help but wonder though if she would try to find the time, if she just realized how important it could be for her great grandson, and great grand daughter, (my daughter.) Until then I will have to hold out hope that the rest of the information and assistance from the people providing her services will help her in some way. Considering their ignorance on this one most basic concept of trauma and loss, that hope is looking like a long shot.

It’s About Loss, Because I Say So

An Adoptee’s Journey Back

My Special Angel

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