It seems I still read so much that expects us to believe that the truth of adoption is all black and white, and not ever in shades of grey. While I know that there are many rights and wrongs concerning adoption, ‘black and whites’ if you will, I also have come to understand that the color grey is not as uncommon as many want to believe.

Every adoption is unique. For me some of the shades of grey lie in the individual situation, the details that can only apply to that one specific child or family. When some people want us to believe that adoption is always a bad thing for a child, I have to say, “well... not always.” In turn when people want the world to only view all adoption as all positive all the time, I have to again say, not always. There was a time when I might have believed that adoption was only a win/win situation for all involved, but with time, and my own experiences, a few of my beliefs have changed.

Adoption has been both a positive and a negative for my own children. With time I have come to see more clearly how adoption has helped as well as hurt them on some level. For a few of them, adoption was the better option so they could have the best outcome in life. Perhaps we were not the ‘ideal’ family for any of them, maybe someone better could have been found. That is where we are now obliged to grow, change and conform to meet what is best for them. Over time I have come to believe that perhaps one of my children really did not need adoption at all. While I cannot say if that child’s birthmom would have parented if we had only offered her more support to do so, I now wish that we had been able to encourage her more. I know that this option is long gone, as we have become this child’s everyday family, but I wish that I had thought more about the situations shades of grey back then.

Right now I see stories in the news, like that of baby Max and the two families each believing that they have what is best for him, and I understand how really grey adoption can be. It takes a ton of courage to look past our own hearts and emotions as parents, and think about what is best for a child. There are benefits and losses no matter where this young man lands permanently, the goal right now should be to weigh them quickly, so they can be limited and the least damaging later. The one thing I do know is certain, is that with time one of these families may see things differently than they do right now, the question is will it be to late for the child.

Time and experience with adoption does change a few things. As people live and learn we begin to see that everything was not as clear and well defined black or white as we once might have believed. Unfortunately, by then things are often to far removed to reconcile what was lost or overlooked when everything began. Time has helped me gain some perspective, and I am guilty as changed with hoping to share just enough of what I now see, hoping to help others who are not far from the start of their adoption journey.

What Kind Of Family Would DO That?

The Responsibility Of Choices

Nobody Told Them

Ethics In Adoption, Individual Responsibility - Birthparents

Ethics In Adoption, Individual Responsibility - Adoptive Parents

Ethics In Adoption, Individual Responsibility - Adoption Professionals


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