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This is (a very belated) part of the first Adoption Carnival, hosted at Grown in My Heart. It’s a pretty big topic:
What did people forget to tell you about adoption? What did they omit or conveniently not tell you before you adopted or relinquished your child?
There are so many things, but I’ll try to keep them at 10.
- I wish that someone had told me how frightened I would feel about having a brand new baby at home. Every other mother I knew seemed so at ease and happy. I just figured that I was going to be a terrible mother from the get-go; that all my IF problems and miscarriages meant that I was going to be a horrible mother.
- I wish someone had warned me about post-adoption depression. I wish they had told me it was real, and a real danger for someone with a family history of depression to begin with.
- I wish I had felt like I could talk honestly with my social worker about my doubts and fears. About my depression, too. I honestly believed that if I did, School Girl would have been taken from us.
- I wish that M could have had a counselor that was more proactive with her problems. I wish someone would have told us that she would only have her counselor “checking in” with her for the first 6 months. Then it was up to her to reach out for help.
- I wish someone would have told me how protective I would feel, both for School Girl and for M.
- I wish I had known just how idiotic people can be about adoption in general, and open adoption in particular. Especially people in our own family.
- I wish I had known about adoptive parent groups in our area before I did. As it happened, I found out about the lone adoptive parent group as they were going through some political battles. The group disbanded roughly 2 weeks after my first visit with them.
- I wish I had known how horrible it would feel when the 4-year-old that you love is screaming for someone else – her mother – and you have no idea how to reach her, or even if she’s still alive.
- I wish I had known how happy and proud I could feel about our baby. Even (especially?) knowing that we had nothing to do with the gifts and talents that she possesses.
- I wish I had known from the start that opening our adoption fully was not something to be afraid of, but something to embrace. I also wish our social worker had been a little more supportive of opening up our adoption.
Are there things you wish you had known about adoption from the beginning?
Wow! This list makes me want to cry. Mainly the one about your daughter’s obvious pain at missing her birth mom.
So glad you have an open relationship now with M.
http://www.alwaysandforeverfamily.blogspot.com
I don’t think I was really clear about that one – let me try to explain.
M, our daughter’s first mom, opened up our adoption when she was 4 months old. When she was about 3 1/2, M was struggling with some severe depression. Consequently, we were out of touch with her for roughly 2 1/2 years. I had no idea how to contact her, although we were in touch with M’s parents/School Girl’s grandparents for that entire time. I should also mention that M was not in contact with her parents during the majority of that time.
We have since been in contact with her, sporadically, for the past year or two. Sorry about the confusion.
[...] I wish I had known how horrible it would feel when the 4-year-old that you love is screaming for someone else – her mother – and you have no idea how to reach her, or even if she’s still alive. ~ Karen [...]