Adoption, even a very open adoption, often separates biological siblings. With an open arrangement trying to keep those siblings in contact, so they can form some sort of relationship, is not always a piece of cake. Sibling contact can be worth the effort, but the adults often need to put aside their own, more grown up issues in the process.

In the case of my own three children, one child has three older birth siblings, and my two other children each have younger birth siblings, two whom we know, and another who we do not. Thankfully four of those siblings live very close. We have always tried to keep all the kids close over the years. You would think contact should be a breeze, and it usually is, until adult squabbling gets in the way.

If you have encountered many of the posts about my family, you will know we have had some recent disruption in contact with my middle child’s birthfamily. When her birthmother had a new baby last summer, and five short months later abandoned him, the dynamics of the relationship with the rest of her birthfamily also shifted dramatically. In the process a good amount of time during the first year for this brother and sister to get to know each other, has been lost.

Many of the reasons our daughter’s birthfamily closed ranks (and bumped us out), stemmed from their fear that our family might want to take the new baby away. While this is something we would never do, it was impossible to convince them. It was also upsetting because we up to this point had a solid and positive relationship. All we wanted was that same kind of connection for the kids.

Yesterday we attended the first birthday party for our daughter’s baby brother. It was a bit of a surprise to get the invitation a few weeks ago, in light of all that has transpired. We decided we really wanted to take the opportunity to iron a few things out, and so we did go. Over all things did go well, the kids were so happy to see the baby, a baby who is not so tiny anymore! Our daughter was shocked that her little brother who she was going to “pick up and carry all over,” was a whole lot heftier, and much more mobile than when she last saw him.

The kids were able to visit, eat cake, open gifts, but more importantly the grown ups were to talk and find some understanding. Ultimately we all know that what we all want for these siblings who have been separated on a daily basis, is a relationship and a connection whenever possible. Some progress has been made, and hopefully more is on the way. I only wish we could get back that lost time.

I think after this experience the advice I would give to others is, don’t allow troubles to get out of hand. Resolve conflict as quickly as you are able. Keeping young children, siblings who have been separated through adoption, close and in contact, is definitely not a piece of cake. I truly wish there were things that I had considered, or thought to try, before we were facing the difficulty we encountered head on. Being more educated and prepared would have benefitted all the adults involved here.

The other thing we learned yesterday, was be careful not to get caught with TWO parties scheduled at one time! The same day we got an invite for the baby’s first birthday, we learned our nephew was also planning his fifteenth birthday party for that date . We ended up sending four hours on the road so we could arrive at one party a bit early, and the other a bit late. It is better planning to make sure each family knows the special dates of the other in advance. That way you do not end up wishing you had a clone to make being two places at once possible!

Adoption, Siblings, And Lost Relationships

Open Adoption Closure And How To Avoid Accepting The Guilt

Canceling An Open Adoption Visit

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