The Open Adoption Bloggers Interview Project

To celebrate the first birthday of the Open Adoption Blogroll, Heather at Production, Not Reproduction invited OA bloggers to participate in the Open Adoption Bloggers Interview Project. My partner for the project was Weaver, an adult who was raised in open adoption, who blogs at Communities Don’t Get Built….

Many hopeful adoptive parents seek out the input and experiences of first parents and adoptees in an attempt to understand more about what adoption means to those on the other sides of the triad. (And if you’re not doing this, you should be. But that’s a topic for another post.) But far fewer adoptive parents actively seek to learn more about the experiences of those first parents and adoptees who write from an anti-adoption perspective. It’s human nature, after all, to want to validate our own point of view; unfortunately, this validation often comes at the expense of marginalizing the points of view of those who disagree with us.

Enter Weaver. Writing from a feminist perspective, she tackles issues of racism, classism, misogyny, ableism, and colonialism as they relate to adoption. Her worldview is decidedly anti-adoption, but even those who disagree with her ultimate conclusion would be hard-pressed to argue that the issues she highlights aren’t critically important. Adoptive parents would be well advised to check their egos at the door—Weaver pulls no punches (and neither do her commenters)—but I guarantee you’ll be wiser for having visited.

And, without further ado: The Interview…

What changes do you think we can make in our societies—both in how we view adoption as a whole and in the support we offer to those parents who are considering adoption—so that it comes to be seen as a last resort and, more importantly, so that in practice it can become an option that doesn’t need to be resorted to as often?

Firstly I think we need to start viewing adoption as the grief and loss it is. When a mother losses a child or a child looses a mother our immediate reaction is deep compassion. It bothers me that this doesn’t extend to adoption, in this case society is often callous about the mothers loss and ignores the child’s loss completely. We need to change the way we see parenthood, communities need to parent children in that neighbours friends and family need to take a greater part in helping people parent.

In practical terms we need to support parents  with finances, with education, both parenting education and mainstream education, we need to have mental health support, substance abuse support, adequate housing

You write in your blog that sometimes, even with adequate support and services in place, sometimes it simply isn’t possible for children to remain with the parents who gave birth to them, and you present a series of alternatives to adoption that should be explored first. Can you describe in a little more detail the alternatives you propose? Do you think there are ever circumstances in which adoption into an entirely different family is in the best interest of a child?

well firstly all the things in the I wrote about in my first answer should be in place. To support the parents I think respite foster care is a good idea so if the parents are struggling they can have a break, then kinship care needs to be thought about. I dont think there are ever circumstances where adoption into another family are in the best interests of the child, I do however think there may be situations where a child is bought up by an unrelated family, as a last resort but that child should keep their name, their birth certificate, should keep ties to their community and heritage and should have easy and frequent access to appropriate blood family members.

Do you see any distinction between circumstances in which a child is taken into care because, for instance, of abuse or neglect & subsequently adopted versus circumstances in which the child’s parents actively choose adoption for their child?

No I don’t, both these cases are damaging and destructive for the child and the family. Until there is understanding of the experiences of first mothers and how the trauma of relinquishment is often repressed for years, until we live in societies where birth control and abortion are both freely available and non shameful options, until women are not told that their children are better of with non on family members, until adoptee trauma is fully understood and recognised across the board, I don”t believe relinquishing a child is ever a choice. How can you make a real choice if you dont have all the facts at hand?

You mention kinship adoption as an alternative that keeps a child with his or her original family in instances where it’s not possible for the child to remain with his or her parents. What are your thoughts about situations in which the child’s parents are not in favor of such an arrangement and believe it to be in the child’s best interests to be adopted by an entirely different family? It seems as though two sets of interests collide in such circumstances; whose interests should take primacy?

The needs of the child should always take primacy, always and if there are other safe alternatives it is never in the child’s best interest to be adopted by strangers. I think in situations like this the parents should be worked with to find out why they want their child to be adopted, In almost all cases it is about lack of resources or of societal pressure, or not understanding the repercussions of adoption, all of which can and should be rectified.

I love your discussions about “positive adoption language”—this is something I also have issues with, for basically the same reasons you describe. Do you think it’s possible to have a neutral or truly respectful adoption language that respects everyone’s right to define their experience for themselves? Do you think such a language could help shape the way our society views adoption, or do you think we’re doomed to let our society’s overall view of adoption shape the language we use?

No I don’t think it is possible to have a “neutral” adoption language. So called “Neutral” language in situations where one party has all the power and one or more parties are powerless is always developed and promoted by the party with the power to silence, dismiss and ignore the powerless. Properly respectful adoption language is that which recognises the adoptees and first families experiences, not that which makes adoptive parents feel good

I get the impression from your blog that you do at least a little reading of writing by those on the other sides of the triad. What things trouble you about what you read from the adoptive parent perspective? Is there anything in what you read that you see as positive, that indicates that people are perhaps listening to voices like yours & giving what you have to say some thought?

While I don’t think adoption is ever okay and is always destructive, there are some adoptive parents who have more of a handle of what their adopted children’s issues will be, The main thing I’ve noticed  about these bloggers is that they read and listen to and interact with adult adoptee bloggers, they do not write us off with such statements as “bitter” “angry” “bad experience” “my children wont be like you” etc. these bloggers are few and far between however, Things that bother me about many/most adoptive parent bloggers are the refusal to listen to adult adoptees, the absolute cluelessness about child psychology and the damage loss of parents do, The assumption that they will be better parents than their child’s actual parents. The idea that adoption is something god wanted these people to do. It scares me how frustrated many of them get when their adopted children do not turn out like them or exhibit behaviours that are a perfectly natural response to trauma. With international adoption I still can’t believe people are adopting internationally now we know what we know about child trafficking,adoption corruption and the fact that most children adopted internationally are not orphans

Do you think your own experience with adoption has had a role in shaping your position on adoption, and if so, in what way(s) has it had an impact?

I absolutely do think my adoption experience, which was terrible, had a role in shaping my position on adoption, but what had more of an impact was finding and online community of adoptees many of whom had similar experiences, which actually made me really sad, I had though that my adoption was an anomaly before that. My politics also had a really big role to play in shaping my position on adoption as well though. For me adoption is an inherently anti feminist institution, it is misogynistic, classes, ablest, anti child, racist and colonialist and can not be defended under feminist and anti oppressive politics

You said in one entry that it isn’t your job to educate adoptive parents about the issues with adoption—but since it is my job to educate adoptive parents about open adoption, I’m going to ask your assistance here. From your perspective, as their children grow and begin to work through whatever issues they might have (both with their own adoptions & with adoption in general), what can parents do that would be helpful to their children? Conversely, what should they avoid doing because it might be harmful?

Adoptive Parents should let their children have their own feelings around adoption, they should let their children grieve their losses which may be an ongoing process. They should be aware that birthdays are sometimes really hard for adoptees. I’m not a big fan of gotcha days or equivalent and neither are a lot of adoptees I know because from our perspective it is forcing us to celebrate our losses. Adoptive parents need to not buy into the “saviour” mentality or the mentality that adopted children are “lucky” or should be “grateful” for being adopted. They should also actively refute this when the child receive such messages from the wider society. If they are adopting because of infertility they must grieve their infertility and have counseling about it before they even think about adopting a child. Too many adoptees are “replacement” children and are then resented and belittled when they dont turn out like the imaginary bio child.

Adoptive parents are often very quick to say that having an adoptive child is “just like having your own” but this mind set doesn’t actually do adoptees any favours. Being adopted and adoptive families have a  whole set of issues that non adoptive families don’t have and proclaiming it is just the same often means that a lot of the issues get swept under the carpet and the adoptee doesn’t feel like they are allowed to talk about or deal with their issues. If their children are not in an open adoption, or not in an open adoption with all of their first family the adoptive parents should actively encourage this and actively support an adoptee searching for family. Too many adoptive parent say “It will be the child’s choice when they are ready” unless you are proactive about it the child will almost never tell you they are ready while they are living under your roof for fear of hurting your feelings and being abandoned/rejected by you.

You say in a few different places in your blog that while you don’t support adoption as a practice, you believe open adoption is better than closed adoption. Do you think there is a “right” way and/or a “wrong” way of approaching open adoption? What does the right way look like? What does the wrong way look like?

To be honest I’m still working through and unraveling this myself but things that immediately spring to mind:
If they claim to have an open adoption they should have one, not just think of cards and letters and emails as being open. If they live a long way from the first parents and are financially better of they should support the first parents with travel costs if they are struggling, or better still they should do the traveling.
they should absolutely listen to their children’s wants and needs on the issue, without influencing them. They should be aware of the power dynamic between them and the first families (in that adopters have all the power and first families have none of it). If they don’t like the children’s first family they should keep that to themselves and not discuss it with/in front of their children.

This is a very open-ended question, but I know I haven’t thought of everything and I want to take advantage of this opportunity to highlight a perspective that a lot of adoptive parents might not often hear, so: Is there anything I haven’t asked you about that you want adoptive parents to know?

Well to be honest if this is a perspective that a lot of adoptive parents don’t hear they are not paying attention. Lots of adoptees and first mother bloggers write about the same sort of things that I do and adoptive parents and prospective adoptive parents should absolutely be reading us. I actually think that’s one of the most important things they can be doing for their children.

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Links to the other interviews in this project—including my answers to Weaver’s questions—can be found here.

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