Today I really wanted to see the whole Montel show dealing with “Adoption scams” and experiences of adopting parents, but unfortunately I missed the first segment. What I did see left me with some ideas about what might have been going on though.

Apparently Montel, who is now seeking to adopt a child himself, has become interested in the world of adoption. So what is the first thing that generally comes up for adopting parents when they enter the process? From what I have experienced, and what I also saw today, potential scams and the scary side of that unknown adoption process is what seems to first overwhelm those seeking to adopt. Of course now that Montel is pursuing adoption, that is where he would go first for topics. Unfortunately I think this shows the lack of adoption related education going on here.

This is not to say that I have no empathy for those crying potential adoptive couples he spoke to. I surely do. I was there once myself, and I understand the fear and emotions. My problem is that no one is educating, and there by calming and bringing more into the realm of reality the fears of these potential parents. That would also make for a more compassionate (and more likely open) adoption experience for them. The agency seems to be responsible for this error, and I would say most times that is the case. Let me begin to tell you why I think so.

Early in the process, most couples who have little education about the whole adoption experience tend to look at it from more of a transaction angle. This is partly because this is how adoption agencies present it to them, it at the core is a money making business for the agency. The couple is the paying client and the agency will do the things to make the experience most comfortable for the paying “client.” Agencies also do not overly educate adopting parents about the birthparent perspective because it can be emotionally brutal.

Lets face it if you had already been through the intense emotional journey of infertility you may have turned a lot of emotions off at this stage in order to protect yourself. People who have already been traumatized (yes infertility is trauma) do that. I did that because no one was educating me in the way that I needed to be educated in order to adopt a child. Thinking about a mother who will bear a child and hand this child into your care, at the early stage for a lot of first time adopting couples is way too emotional for them to even go there.

While the agency wants to promote adoptive couples feeling safe and protected in their process, they do not have to think about that stuff. I wonder what would be the “drop out rate” for waiting parents (the first time) be if they DID have to really take it all in? For the adoption agency that can be a loss of a client, something they can’t afford, so little effort is placed there.

The thing the couples seeking to adopt do not take into account is that once you look into the eyes of the child you will adopt, you will have to begin the dealing with the emotions of those birthparents on the other end of this “transaction.” Even then you can deal in a healthy or not so healthy way, but little educating of adoptive parents occurs after a placement. Ever wonder why you see so many of them seeking answers online?

To me the message is clear, educate and educate before you begin the process to adopt. Be prepared for more trauma. Adoption is not a cure to the trauma of infertility. You will still be infertile. You will have lost the hope of the child you might have dreamed of. The child you parent through adoption will have trauma as well, the loss their first parents. In order for you to parent them you will have to have faced your own demons (not ignored them) and set them aside to take up the challenge for your child. You need to really find a place of empathy for their birthfamily and really consider their experience, no matter how uncomfortable for you to do so.

If Montel is listening (LOL) to little ole me, I hope he will find some education about adoption before he begins the search for a child to adopt.