There really is a deep social stigma against anyone who places a child for adoption, and though perceptions may have changed over the decades, those negatives have certainly not completely gone away. Birthparents are often subjected to rude comments and perceptions that are judgmental and unfair. People might wonder aloud why anyone would “give away” their baby. What kind of person does something that most could never imagine doing? While I have begun to understand how hurtful society can be concerning birthparents, as the years progress on my own adoptive parent experience, I now look back and see how I too have often been labeled as something that I am not.

My own experience tells me that as shocked as society may be about women who relinquish a child, they are equally as horrified by those of us who step forward to adopt those children.

What kind of person takes a baby away from it’s mother? Should they hold on to their own children tighter in passing us by, just to be sure we do not snag one of theirs as well? As bizarre as that might sound, in my years as an adoptive parent, I have encountered this subtle attitude many times, many places. Often where I least expect to find this unfair perception is where it dramatically pops up.

One of my first wake up calls about how people really perceive my adoptive mom status, came when my husbands cousin became pregnant while unmarried. Although we made no judgement on her situation, it was not our business to, we found that the once close relationship between us, became difficult and uncomfortable and remains strained today. Though nothing was verbalized, it became evident that she was feeling, that as people who adopted (one child at the time), we must somehow see her situation as a future adoption scenario for ourselves. In actuality we had never assumed she would do anything other than parent her child, adoption was never suggested at all. I believe however that once you have removed a child from another mother through adoption, people are wary of you, and some see you as consistently on the prowl for any child to add to your collection.

Some of the more hurtful experiences with this attitude, have been in my contact with extended birthfamily of my children. My middle child’s birth aunt had a baby just nine months after her sister did, there was never a belief for us that she would do anything but parent her new baby. I remember rejoicing that this child’s birthday fell on the anniversary of the passing of a relative of mine. I was so excited to have a happy event on that day to distract me from some of the past sorrow surrounding it! I remember when I shared this joyful feeling with the baby’s mother, she remarked that her baby was a “keeper”.

I recall wondering if this was in reference to her older sister’s baby (my daughter) who had perhaps not been a “keeper” somehow? I also saw an equally ominous statement being made by her comment, “forget about this baby lady, you are not getting her too!” I was truly hurt because not once had I ever suggested that her child should not remain with her, and as a result of her comment I no longer felt welcome to be the extra aunt to her child that I had hoped to be as part of my daughter’s open adoption. The sad thing is that once you have adopted, many people will always see you as potentially pining for every baby you come in contact with. This is not an experience I expected.

Unfortunately this belief, I feel, has also led to the larger issues that have brought my daughter’s once very open adoption to a stand still. Once her birthmother had a second child whom she wished to parent, things began to go down hill quickly. We fully supported her in parenting, did what ever she asked of us to help, but from the start her other relatives began to grow edgy with us when ever we interacted with our daughter’s new baby brother.

When this mother later abandoned her second child with those relatives, they felt the need to shut us out. This was just in case we planned to come after him too I suppose. Truth be told we simply wanted siblings to bond and be together as much as possible. We thought we had made it clear that an adoption of the little guy by us did not have to occur for that to happen. Sadly though, I really think the perception is that once you have adopted you become “those kind of people”, the kind of people who taken babies away and it forever effects how people treat you.

Open Adoption Despite The Disapproval

Open Adoption - Prepare To Be Unprepared

Coming Out As An Adoptive Mom- Part One

Coming Out As An Adoptive Mom- Part Two

Photo - Jim and I before our morning brew