During my pregnancy, I suspected as a birthmother big holidays (Christmas, Mother’s Day, and my son’s birthday) would be hard to deal with and would be emotional for me. I suspected that the holidays would make me think of Charlie and my loss of motherhood to him and I was correct. Christmas, Mother’s Day and his birthday are all difficult days.

What I didn’t suspect was that the smaller holidays (4th of July, Halloween to name a few) would be emotional as well. But one day before the 4th of July, I find myself in a little funk and thinking of Charlie.

Growing up, we always went to my Grandparents house for the 4th of July. They had a big swimming pool in their backyard and we’d spend the whole day outside swimming, eating watermelon and homemade ice cream, cooking out, etc. When it finally became dark, all the men folk would go shoot fireworks off in a big field right by Grandparents house. I can remember sitting on a lounge chair by the pool eating homemade ice cream and watching the sky being lit u p by the fireworks.

Noah changes from year to year regarding whether or not he likes fireworks. One year, he’ll be scared of them and not like the noise they make and the next year, he loves them. I recall A. telling me before that Charlie didn’t like the noise the fireworks made either, but now that he is almost six (Oh my gosh, SIX!) I wonder if he has grown to like fireworks. I think I will have to ask him that next time I talk to him on the telephone. I wonder if he will be eating watermelon or homemade ice cream tomorrow, two of the foods my family considers a must have on the 4th of July.

I’ve concluded that all the holidays, no matter how big or small they may seem, will remind me of the little things I’m missing out on.

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