Open Adoption Blog
- Adoption Blogs >
- Open Adoption Blog >
- The Inconvenient Truth About Open Adoption
09/03/07
The Inconvenient Truth About Open Adoption
Posted by : Deb Donatti in Open Adoption Blog at 06:45 pm , 629 words, 174 views
Categories: Myths/Misunderstandings
Categories: Myths/Misunderstandings
A huge part of the reason that I began looking online for open adoption related information and support, was that no one in my everyday life seemed to be involved in an open adoption, or appeared to understand the idea. Beyond those I knew who simply did not understand openness, most of the adoptive parents I continue to meet have no clue about openness, and do not appear really interested.
Of course I tried to talk to other adoptive parents I met about open adoption as a positive, but most of them seemed uneasy when I mentioned it. Eventually I found they began to avoid me like the plague. While I know that having birthfamily become involved in one’s everyday life is no walk in the park, I still did not see why other adoptive parents became so strange with me when I brought the subject of openness up. What are they afraid of? The truth?
Weren’t those adoptive parents educated about openness at all? I have to believe that if they were, they would not react to it like a deer caught in oncoming headlights. Perhaps some of them may have valid reasons for being leery of birthparent contact. It is true that I do not know everyone’s individual situation. Maybe their adoptive child was at risk for abuse or neglect from birthfamily, and I could understand not wishing for contact under those circumstances.
I honesty only have come to meet other adoptive parents in open adoption situations, by coming online, and I know a ton of people around me who have adopted. Most of those families adopted through agencies that talk big time about “open adoption” and ongoing contact. So why are none of the many families I know in my everyday life in an open adoption?
I have to believe it is because not enough education is really going on for those families who are adopting. People are not learning enough about how open adoption and how positive contact could possibly be beneficial, and so they adopt and go on with the information they know. Trust me it is old information, and things need to change.
Maybe the truth about openness is just an “inconvenient” one for some families? To acknowledge that openness can be positive, and could be possible, may be one truth most families are just not willing to consider.
If I could really get people to listen to the truths that I have learned through my own experience with open adoption, here are just a few of the things I would share...
It’s not so scary.
While it is not for everyone, it could be for a lot more people than you think.
It is hard work, but nothing worth while comes easily, so that should not be surprising.
With experience comes understanding. Don’t understand openness now? Experience it and you will.
If you love your child, there is a high likely hood you can love the people they came from too.
Scared about the uncertainties of openness? That is how your child may feel about all the not knowing in a closed adoption.
Of course I could share a ton more about the ups and downs of an open adoption relationship, and I DO here at the open adoption blog every day! If you read you will find, it’s not all good, it’s not all bad, it is pretty much like anything else in life. You will never know the truth of what an open adoption could mean for you and your child, unless you let go of some of the fear, and be “open” to experiencing it.
Photo
For information/instructions on how to subscribe FREE to your favorite AdoptionBlogs, please visit this link.
Comments, Pingbacks:
Comment from: bethhyatt [Member] 
I know what you mean about people not understanding open adoption. My son made a new friend a few months ago who also happens to be adopted and we had been getting to know his family. All was going well until one day I mentioned to the mother that we had gone to the hospital to see Dalton's new baby brother (bio sibling). She said "I don't know what to do with that information...I have to go". We haven't heard from them since. It's a shame because the boys really enjoyed playing together. I knew their adoption wasn't open, but I didn't think they would have a problem with ours being open. Guess I was wrong. Dalton can make other friends, but he'll only have one birthfamily. I feel so blessed to have them in our lives. I just don't understand what this women was thinking.
Permalink
09/03/07 @ 20:05
Comment from: jpdakota43 [Member]
So often I read the "let go of your fear" kind of comments and just shake my head. I can't speak for anyone but me, but I have no fear of open adoption. I just don't believe it is the best way to raise a child, and so we are not raising our child in an open situation. I'm not ignorant, fearful, selfish or any of those things I get called. "If I love my child"? Yes, I do.
I am both adopted and an adoptive parent. I have researched this extensively and have personal experience, as do you. Obviously I came to a different conclusion than you did. Reasonable people can disagree.
I am both adopted and an adoptive parent. I have researched this extensively and have personal experience, as do you. Obviously I came to a different conclusion than you did. Reasonable people can disagree.
Permalink
09/03/07 @ 21:46
Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member] · http://open.adoptionblogs.com
· http://open.adoptionblogs.com
jpdakota,
You are right, reasonable people can disagree.
While I came to my own conclusions (often mixed) about openness through experience and actually being involved in open adoptions, I am curious to know how you based your own conclusions.
Did you have some contact that you found to be negative? Were there some reasons why open adoption would obviously not work for your family? How did you know?
Of course I would like to hear your perspective. I have deffinitly shared a ton of personal insight as to why I have arrived at my own conclusions here.
You are right, reasonable people can disagree.
While I came to my own conclusions (often mixed) about openness through experience and actually being involved in open adoptions, I am curious to know how you based your own conclusions.
Did you have some contact that you found to be negative? Were there some reasons why open adoption would obviously not work for your family? How did you know?
Of course I would like to hear your perspective. I have deffinitly shared a ton of personal insight as to why I have arrived at my own conclusions here.
Permalink
09/03/07 @ 22:36
Comment from: dawnf [Member] · http://www.openadoptionsupport.com
· http://www.openadoptionsupport.com
I want to point out that I'm working to build a social networking site for families and individuals involved in and supporting open adoption at http://www.openadoptionsupport.com
I'm an adoptive mom in a fully open adoption and I'm motivated to build this out of my own need for an understanding community who will understand why I value openness, who will not question this value when offering support and advice, and also I wanted a place to put all sorts of links and info about openness. I wanted to build the place I've been looking for for the past three years. And I hope that it will become more and more community-driven so it can best serve those of us who need it! :)
I'm an adoptive mom in a fully open adoption and I'm motivated to build this out of my own need for an understanding community who will understand why I value openness, who will not question this value when offering support and advice, and also I wanted a place to put all sorts of links and info about openness. I wanted to build the place I've been looking for for the past three years. And I hope that it will become more and more community-driven so it can best serve those of us who need it! :)
Permalink
09/04/07 @ 06:34
Comment from: John [Member]
Deb, you have written many great posts on open adoption. You seem surprised that other adoptive families aren't starting to 'get it'. The assumption seems to be, of course any family would be for open adoption with visitation unless they had some personal negative experience, or were just insecure people. Deb, as JP pointed out, reasonable people can reach an opposite conclusion, and they do not have to have reasons that you would buy. It has advantages and disadvantages, open adoption is not a slam dunk, but an individual decision that should be accepted as OK either way.
Let me point out that historically, adoption has always been about a 'fresh start', or a 'new beginning'. That is not open adoption with visitation. Unless MO is different, read the last sentence of you final decree of adoption. It will say something like "... and the child is herby deemed to be your child, as though he was born to you." That sure seems to imply that he gets a fresh start. Maybe the non open adoptors belive that the child is entitled to that fresh start, with a life that is as normal as it can be.
You have every right to make your decisions, but the other families do not become suspect if they reach a different conclusion. John
Let me point out that historically, adoption has always been about a 'fresh start', or a 'new beginning'. That is not open adoption with visitation. Unless MO is different, read the last sentence of you final decree of adoption. It will say something like "... and the child is herby deemed to be your child, as though he was born to you." That sure seems to imply that he gets a fresh start. Maybe the non open adoptors belive that the child is entitled to that fresh start, with a life that is as normal as it can be.
You have every right to make your decisions, but the other families do not become suspect if they reach a different conclusion. John
Permalink
09/04/07 @ 14:01
Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member] · http://open.adoptionblogs.com
· http://open.adoptionblogs.com
John, I am laughing because I don't think that I have EVER said that open adoption is some sort of "slam dunk", in fact far from it.
I DO think people should attempt to be open to the possibilities in adoption. If you aren't how will you ever know, that something you thought would NOT be a good thing, actually turned out to be a good thing? (and yes sometimes it turns out to NOT be a good thing!)
This makes me think about when I encourage my kids to try a new food. They say they hate it before they even try it, but my rule is give it one try. If they TRY and then don't like it, I accept their refusal to eat it, because now they KNOW they don't like it. It is also not such a surprise that sometimes they DO like it, and ask for it again.
You speak of a "fresh start" and I agree that adoption provides some of that to a child, but I differ with you a bit because the reality is that biological realities are not wiped clean from your child's existence just because you have a legal decree.
As adoptive parents people DO have the option to close an adoption that is not working for the best interests of the child, and if you have been reading what I write you will find I say THAT often as well.
I do not fault people who have encountered things that would not make openness possible (abuse, neglect, manipulation, anger, hostility), as I said it is not for everyone. I do however believe that more people could honestly consider openness. So many do not even consider it, and might miss an opportunity that could work well for their family. But how would they know, if they just know, they aren't going to try it?
I DO think people should attempt to be open to the possibilities in adoption. If you aren't how will you ever know, that something you thought would NOT be a good thing, actually turned out to be a good thing? (and yes sometimes it turns out to NOT be a good thing!)
This makes me think about when I encourage my kids to try a new food. They say they hate it before they even try it, but my rule is give it one try. If they TRY and then don't like it, I accept their refusal to eat it, because now they KNOW they don't like it. It is also not such a surprise that sometimes they DO like it, and ask for it again.
You speak of a "fresh start" and I agree that adoption provides some of that to a child, but I differ with you a bit because the reality is that biological realities are not wiped clean from your child's existence just because you have a legal decree.
As adoptive parents people DO have the option to close an adoption that is not working for the best interests of the child, and if you have been reading what I write you will find I say THAT often as well.
I do not fault people who have encountered things that would not make openness possible (abuse, neglect, manipulation, anger, hostility), as I said it is not for everyone. I do however believe that more people could honestly consider openness. So many do not even consider it, and might miss an opportunity that could work well for their family. But how would they know, if they just know, they aren't going to try it?
Permalink
09/04/07 @ 15:09
Comment from: John [Member]
You are right Deb, you never said it was a slam dunk. Your posts are very unbiased, and interesting. No, a legal decree doesn't change history, but there is no need to keep reliving it either.
Adoptive parents do have the right to not choose open adoption because they belive that is not what adoption is supposed to be. They do not need to try it to be justified in not doing it. No different that someone who thinks jumping out of a perfectly good airplane with a parachute is a bad idea. They don't need to do it to make it ok that they don't do it. Some risks are inappropriate, and should not be undertaken.
It sounds like in real life you run into a lot of folks who don't agree with the idea. It could be that they are all wrong, and uninformed, but they also could be on to something. Surely they are entitled to their judgements without a "you need to try it first". John
Adoptive parents do have the right to not choose open adoption because they belive that is not what adoption is supposed to be. They do not need to try it to be justified in not doing it. No different that someone who thinks jumping out of a perfectly good airplane with a parachute is a bad idea. They don't need to do it to make it ok that they don't do it. Some risks are inappropriate, and should not be undertaken.
It sounds like in real life you run into a lot of folks who don't agree with the idea. It could be that they are all wrong, and uninformed, but they also could be on to something. Surely they are entitled to their judgements without a "you need to try it first". John
Permalink
09/04/07 @ 18:05
Comment from: Julia Fuller [Member] · http://special-needs.adoptionblogs.com/
· http://special-needs.adoptionblogs.com/
John, Your view of adoption comes from adopting older children who were abused by their birth parents. You are now trying to cope with those loses and the results of that abuse and give them the most normal life you can, considering what they have been through. At some point, your boys will need to let go of anger/blame that they hold against their birth parents or it may haunt them and prevent them from having intimate relationships in the future. One way to do that might be allowing some type of correspondence. Open adoption doesn't have to mean seeing someone face to face. One of my daughters had a father that was a crack dealer. He had a volitile temper and we didn't care to have contact with him once parental rights were terminated. However, I liked her mother. When I found out that her father had died, I had no problem with having contact with her mother. Having some type of contact comes in handy when your child has questions that you can't answer, or when medical issues arise, such as your son's endocrine issues. That information isn't always in the medical assessments you receive through state adoptions. When another of my daughters showed no signs of puberty, I was able to ask her aunts and her grandparents about their timing. It helped us to choose her medical intervention. Just some thoughts. Julia
Permalink
09/04/07 @ 18:29
Comment from: jpdakota43 [Member]
Deb,
You know, I could enumerate all of my concerns about the wisdom of open adoption. I could tell you about people I know who have gone into an open arrangement because "everyone says it is the way to go" only to discover that their children are left baffled and unhappy. I could tell you about my adoption experience as well. And my research about identities as they relate to Id, Ego and Super Ego. See, the thing is, I'm not here trying to convince you that you should give closed adoption a try because it works. Heck, if you don't ever try it, how will you know? You could always open an adoption if you later discover you may want to. I think you see my point. Then again, it isn't my platform, it's yours. I'm just incredibly tired of hearing that those of us who have an opposite opinion about the closed/open question are either afraid or insecure or uninformed or don't "really" love our children. I chose closed for the very reason that I do love my child. And no, you never said specifically that. But the innuendo?
There are lots of foods I would not encourage my child to try...wouldn't even serve it to them. And I'll also not serve my child open adoption. And that is our (DH and I) informed, well considered, and wise decision.
The great thing about you, Deb, is instead of ripping posts down that differ from yours, you choose to leave them posted and ask clarifying questions. I appreciate that.
You know, I could enumerate all of my concerns about the wisdom of open adoption. I could tell you about people I know who have gone into an open arrangement because "everyone says it is the way to go" only to discover that their children are left baffled and unhappy. I could tell you about my adoption experience as well. And my research about identities as they relate to Id, Ego and Super Ego. See, the thing is, I'm not here trying to convince you that you should give closed adoption a try because it works. Heck, if you don't ever try it, how will you know? You could always open an adoption if you later discover you may want to. I think you see my point. Then again, it isn't my platform, it's yours. I'm just incredibly tired of hearing that those of us who have an opposite opinion about the closed/open question are either afraid or insecure or uninformed or don't "really" love our children. I chose closed for the very reason that I do love my child. And no, you never said specifically that. But the innuendo?
There are lots of foods I would not encourage my child to try...wouldn't even serve it to them. And I'll also not serve my child open adoption. And that is our (DH and I) informed, well considered, and wise decision.
The great thing about you, Deb, is instead of ripping posts down that differ from yours, you choose to leave them posted and ask clarifying questions. I appreciate that.
Permalink
09/04/07 @ 18:51
Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member] · http://open.adoptionblogs.com
· http://open.adoptionblogs.com
jp, Well you really don't even need to convince me to try closed adoption, I have experienced it, from the perspective of birthfamily. I have two nieces, and two nephews out in the world, who I love, held as infants, and never saw again.
It's not a good feeling.
Why would their adoptive parents choose not to know my family? I can tell you we are not so scary, pretty average, caring people. We produced children whom they love, so could we be all that bad?
Could I have offered something positive to the adoptive families of my nieces and nephews over the years, probably. Do I believe adoption was the best option for the children, absolutely.
I am sad however, that somehow their adoptive families could not feel the same compassion for my family that we felt for them when we surrendered our loved ones to their care.
I have an interesting question though... if you have no inclination toward open adoption, what is your interest in reading about it? I am just wanting to understand.
It's not a good feeling.
Why would their adoptive parents choose not to know my family? I can tell you we are not so scary, pretty average, caring people. We produced children whom they love, so could we be all that bad?
Could I have offered something positive to the adoptive families of my nieces and nephews over the years, probably. Do I believe adoption was the best option for the children, absolutely.
I am sad however, that somehow their adoptive families could not feel the same compassion for my family that we felt for them when we surrendered our loved ones to their care.
I have an interesting question though... if you have no inclination toward open adoption, what is your interest in reading about it? I am just wanting to understand.
Permalink
09/04/07 @ 19:27
Comment from: jpdakota43 [Member]
lol. That's a good question! Here's what happens to me. I go to the splash page when I log in. There are always links there for both active blogs and active threads. Once in awhile a title gets me interested and then I follow the link. Bad habit, I suppose. And once in awhile I can't stand letting something go that is offensive or condescending. Maybe I feel a need to share, too. I have traveled a long while down the adoption path.
And frankly, when I see that you authored a post I'm always curious about what you have to say. You're a good writer.
See, not everyone avoids that which they disagree with. It's part of personal growth, after all.
And frankly, when I see that you authored a post I'm always curious about what you have to say. You're a good writer.
See, not everyone avoids that which they disagree with. It's part of personal growth, after all.
Permalink
09/04/07 @ 19:48
Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member] · http://open.adoptionblogs.com
· http://open.adoptionblogs.com
Well thank you for sharing how you come to read here.
Also thanks for the compliment, I appreciate that.
Also thanks for the compliment, I appreciate that.
Permalink
09/04/07 @ 20:19
Comment from: John [Member]
Julia, thank you for your comments. Yes, it would be helpful to have access to medical and other information. Oddly enough, I have had open contact with one of my sons and his maternal grandmother (sometimes he would stay with her overnight). She was able to explain her daughter so that my son could understand why she simply could not parent. Certainly there is contact with sibs. Yes, it would be wonderful if the boys could have some form of contact to get some form of closure, but after 18, when they are mature enough to handle the emotions.
My problem is the idea that the child should have regular contact with the birthparents. It is hard to imagine how that should be the automatic starting point for selecting a type of adoption. My argument is contact only if there is some reason to think it will work, and then very limited contact. Thanks again Julia
JP, you said it better than I ever could. John
My problem is the idea that the child should have regular contact with the birthparents. It is hard to imagine how that should be the automatic starting point for selecting a type of adoption. My argument is contact only if there is some reason to think it will work, and then very limited contact. Thanks again Julia
JP, you said it better than I ever could. John
Permalink
09/04/07 @ 22:53
Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member] · http://open.adoptionblogs.com
· http://open.adoptionblogs.com My argument is contact only if there is some reason to think it will work, and then very limited contact.
John if that is what you believe great, but that might not be what works for someone else.
Permalink
09/04/07 @ 23:00
Comment from: John [Member]
Deb you are right. This whole series of comments stems from the part of the post that indicates non open adoptors are likely either uniformed or insecure. Deb you have a very different view of contact, and you have made it work. You have every right to that view, without anyone putting you down as ignorant or insecure, or clueless. Those of us that don't share your view are entitled to the same repect. No one has an aboslute lock on perfect thinking. John
Permalink
09/04/07 @ 23:16
Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member] · http://open.adoptionblogs.com
· http://open.adoptionblogs.com
John, the fact is that most adopting parents are not given good information on possibly having an open adoption, nor do many seem interested in considering it.
I called no one "ignorant", "insecure", "clueless", as you suggest, or was I being "offensive" and "condescending" as jpdakota has put it.
Please do not put word in MY mouth, or assign them your own valuations for me.
I called no one "ignorant", "insecure", "clueless", as you suggest, or was I being "offensive" and "condescending" as jpdakota has put it.
Please do not put word in MY mouth, or assign them your own valuations for me.
Permalink
09/05/07 @ 11:54
Comment from: AdoptionBlogs Editor [Member] · http://editor.adoptionblogs.com
· http://editor.adoptionblogs.com
Thank you all for your comments but I believe this discussion has come to a natural end. I am closing this blog for comments.
Thanks for reading.
Thanks for reading.
Permalink
09/05/07 @ 18:54 Comments are closed for this post.
Leave a Comment: You need to login to leave comments.:
Login To AdoptionBlogs.com
Search
Sponsors
Related Discussions
Related Sites
Our Blogs
- Editor's Blog
- Adoptee
- Adopting a Sibling
- Adoption News
- Adoption Search
- Adoptive Parenting
- Africa Adoption
- Birth-First Parent
- China Adoption
- Christian Adoption
- Crisis Pregnancy
- Ethiopia Adoption
- Foster Adoption
- Foster Care
- Guatemala Adoption
- Haiti Adoption
- Hoping to Adopt
- International Adoption
- Jewish Adoption
- Kazakhstan Adoption
- Korea Adoption
- LDS Adoption
- Older Child Adoption
- Older Parent Adoption
- Open Adoption
- Parenting Children with Special Needs
- Reactive Attachment Disorder
- Russia Adoption
- Stepparent Adoption
- Transracial/Transcultural Adoption
- Ukraine Adoption
- Viet Nam Adoption
Our Bloggers
Misc
Who's Online?
- jmgillis
- rmcnair
- Guest Users: 164
adoptions |
adopting.org |
adoption.org |
adoption wiki |
reunite |
parent profiles
Adoption Media, LLC 1995-2007. This site should not substitute personal professional, legal or medical advice. The accuracy and personal applicability of this information is not guaranteed. By using it you agree to the terms of service, including jurisdiction and limitation of liability provisions.