As we’ve been talking in our support network series, our friends and family really truly want to be supportive most of the time. They really do want to do and say the right thing but they are probably unsure as to what the right thing to say and do is.

As I mentioned in the previous post we should educate them about adoption, about the correct terms used in adoption, and about our thoughts and feelings.

Below are some tips you can pass along to friends and family members. Send them a link to this post and tell them that these tips could help them be more supportive. I don’t think they will be offended since they probably have your best interests at heart.

We, as birthmothers, know that you don’t mean to be hurtful, but some of the things you say can sting.

Things not to say:

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1. Don’t tell her that she can have more children later… As I have mentioned before, we never know what the future holds. You may not be able to have children in the future. Besides that, more children will not replace the spot in your heart this child holds.



2. Don’t tell her that she is generous or an angel. A birthmother does not get pregnant with the thought in mind that she will give this baby to help out another family. Typically, placing her child for adoption is not something she wants to do but something that she felt was absolutely necessary to provide the best possible future for her child at that time in her life.



3. Don’t tell her that she needs to forget about her child and move on. Placing a child for adoption is much like the death of a child in the fact that a birthmother will need to go through a grieving process and will need to mourn the loss of parenting her child.



4. Don’t tell her “at least you get to see him or her” if she has placed her child in an open adoption plan. Visits with a birthchild should not be viewed as a conciliation prize in the adoption process.



5. Don’t say “you can meet your child when he or she turns 18 if the child was placed in a closed adoption.” Yes, she can search then but it’s unpredictable as to whether or not she will actually be able to have a face to face meeting with her child in the future.



6. Do not say “I never could have done that.” She didn’t want to place her child for adoption but did it because it was what she felt was best. She never wanted to be in the position. She probably hopes you are never in this position but you never know exactly what you will do until you are in that position.

To be continued......

Building Your Support Network Part 1
Building Your Support Network Part 2