With Thanksgiving pending, I have been going over all that I have to be thankful for here, and I am truly fortunate it is really a long list. One of the little things is that thankfully I won’t be cooking the turkey dinner tomorrow (a relief to all who know me), but there are also many, more important things I consider at this time every year.

I am thankful for a caring, supportive husband who works hard to provide for us all. Without him I would have never known that healing from the chaos that was my childhood was possible. I am immensely thankful for the three beautiful little people (my kids) who through some mixture of life’s complicated process of joy and pain, loss and gain, have found themselves in my life. I can’t claim to understand all the how and why of what landed them here, but I do believe there most certainly is a purpose.

Being thankful, yet sometimes feeling the thankless other mother in a world of adoption, is something that also rears its ugly head and challenges my grateful list.

I am very thankful for the first parents of my children. As much as some in the adoption world would say that gratitude placed there is wrong, or even argue that it is somehow condescending and unwelcome, I can’t help but feel thankful, grateful, and in awe of the trust my children’s birthparents have placed in our family. Sometimes, when I am feeling all grateful about what life has presented me, I do get the feeling that I am not supposed to be feeling that way at all.

If I appear grateful in any way connected to adoption, then I can also be labeled by some as a selfish adoptive mom. I can be accused of being an adoptive mom who does not really understand or see the pain that went along with my children becoming my children. Any expression of thankfulness or feeling of joy can be met with anger because surely to feel that way, I must be a cold an callous person, who then cares nothing of birthparent loss.

That actually could not be further from the truth. It is not that the pain is lost on me at all, it’s just that sometimes I have to choose to be thankful, rather than feeling thankless about my life as the ‘other’ mother to my children. They have another mom, and I know it well, but I don’t want to feel like I cannot appreciate her value without some kind of suspicion.

There are so many moments when all I can dwell on is the difficult, the negative, the painful things that my children’s birthparents must experience. On occasion, especially during this time of year, I choose to look at the good that has come out of our situation. I know that there is loss for them, and it always will be present in our relationship. I do hope though, that they too will find some comfort in what we are building together for these children. I really don’t expect them to be glad that I feel thankful for them, but I do hope they will know I am thankful not just because I care about all that I have, but because I care about them too.

So the things I am thankful for? One word... Family. That very small word is so very inclusive to me. It means my husband, my children, my inlaws (thank you for cooking this year) and it also means the birthfamilies of my three children. Like it or not, I am thankful for you all.

Now one question. Am I worthy of being on anyone’s thankful list?


Read about how all sorts of holidays have their adoption related ups and downs.

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