After the most recent visits with the birth siblings of my children, I found myself reflecting back to several interesting posts here at the blogs. Most of them talked about what those of us in open adoptions want to be called, perhaps should be called, or how often we really do not find ourselves with a label that seems to fit our connections. Even more importantly these labels often do not show how we feel about ourselves and our relationships. That said, I have been wondering who exactly I am to these children, the birth siblings of my children, who are being raised in their biological families. Do I need an appropriate title?

Most times I honestly feel like a loving “aunt” of sorts, but does that really capture our relationship? I know Danika’s older birth sister once told me, that she knew that she and I were also family...in some way, but she wasn’t quite clear how. Well she certainly was not the only one, and I had not given a lot of thought about what to tell her up to that point. Sometimes I think adoptive families spend so much time worrying about how to explain the relationships in adoption to our children, we don’t take time to reflect on how we may be viewed by the siblings being raised in our children’s birthfamilies.

Some have said that perhaps I should feel more like a “stepmother” or something similar, but that hardly gets it because I am not their mother, even though I am the mother of one of their siblings. I am involved with and care about what happens in their lives, but I do not share any responsibility in parenting them. I am really not a stepparent to any of these children, so to suggest that is what our connection compares to honestly would be more confusion of the situation.

Others have suggested that I am just a “friend”, but that seems like a very basic tag for what is a much deeper and more caring relationship, as in family. I consider myself family to my children’s birthfamily, and to me that connection is much closer than that of simply friends. I want my own children to feel a deeper connection to their birth siblings too, and I believe if I minimize my importance to their siblings and birthfamily it will become confusing for them as some point.

Does anyone out there have some interesting suggestions?

I want to be viewed as an important family member to the birth siblings of my children, and not just the adoptive mom of their brother or sister. Is there some title that I have not considered that captures the essence of who I am to them? I just know that I do not like feeling this disconnect. I want to be thought of as family by these children who are as important to me as are my own, and who are deeply and forever connected to my son and daughters.


For information/instructions on how to subscribe FREE to your favorite AdoptionBlogs, please visit this link.