Visits with my son are bittersweet. While I love the time I get to spend with him, I always dread having to say goodbye and leave him or have him leave me or us leaving each other if we are in a neutral location, whatever the case maybe.

Recently I was having a discussion with some other birthmothers and we were discussing “saying goodbye” versus saying “see you later.” It may seem like something small and just a play on words but for me personally changing my mentality and seeing our separating at visits as more of a “see you later” than an actual goodbye has been helpful at times.

In the beginning of our open adoption relationship when Charlie was a baby and we had visits, the leaving was just terrible for me. Each time, I was taken back to that moment leaving the hospital when I leaned down and gave my small baby boy a kiss and whispered my love for him in his ear. Even when he was two years old and we had a Christmas visit at my house, I can remember crying when it was time for him to leave.

At some point, I knew I was going to have to buck up and be strong and shed silent tears until I was out the door. Charlie’s sister N had begun to notice that I would cry when it was time to separate and I knew before long Charlie would begin to notice too. While it does sadden me when we separate and at some point in time I’m sure that I will explain that to Charlie, I don’t want him to have this vision in his head of me as this weepy woman always crying at the door.

Around that same point in time is when I finally began to feel very comfortable in our open adoption relationship. S and A had kept every promise they had made to me. The thoughts of them changing their phone number and running off to a deserted island hardly crept into my head anymore. That was when a little light bulb went off in my head and I finally realized that our separations were brief, they were not the big dramatic goodbyes I was making them out to be. I would see them again soon. I would see them again later.

Once that concept finally settled in my head, separating at the end of a visit became easier. Yes, I’m still sad to leave Charlie. I’m always sad to be away from but I’m not weeping at the door.

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Related Posts:
Thoughts and Feelings after a Visit
The Importance of Visits

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