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Not too long ago, Jan wrote a great post about when people say “thank you for giving life” to a birthmom. In her post, Jan stated that when it is worded like that it insinuates that a birthmother was considering abortion. I’d never really given that statement a lot of thought, but after thinking about it, it is true.
But, today, I’d like to touch on saying thanks to a birthmother in a different manner. Many times adoptive parents say thank you to a birthmother in the sense of thanking them for their child and the child may even be referred to as a gift. I’m not trying to pick on adoptive parents here, but just to share how that statement makes this particular birthmother feel.
I can only imagine as an adoptive parent how lost for words you must feel when someone has chosen you to parent your child and make you a mother or a father after waiting so long and I understand the Biblical sense of calling children “gifts from God.” But I when I hear birthmothers thanked by adoptive parents for making them a parent or for their gift, it bugs me just a bit.
That statement makes me feel as if I chose adoption for Charlie as a favor to S and A when in reality S and A were the last component of that decision and plan. I didn’t choose adoption so that S and A could have a son, I chose adoption so that Charlie would have more than I could give him at that time in my life. Once I chose adoption and knew that it was the right decision, that’s when I chose S and A as his parents.
So if anyone is a gift in this situation, S and A were my gift to Charlie, in the metaphorical sense, not the property sense. My gift to Charlie was what they could give him, besides love, that I could not provide for him at that time in my life.
Other posts:
The Do Nots of Empathizing with a Birthmom
The Do’s of Empathizing with a Birthmom
Things Not to say to a Pregnant Women Considering Adoption
It bugs me MORE than a little bit when someone thanks a birth mother in the situation you mentioned as well. Children are not gifts, nor do we offer them to others as a favor or to fill someone’s need for a child. (Or they shouldn’t anyway.) Like you said, birth mothers place children for adoption for the sake of the child – not adoptive parents.
Coley -
I refer to many people in my life as gifts – my husband, dear friends, family and my (adopted) boys. None of them are meant in a property sense, but as a metaphor. Not in any way do I believe that my boys were offered as a gift to me, but just by their “being” in my life, THEY give me little gifts of themselves every day. I know many moms who have not adopted that think of their children in the same way.
I really like your take on adoptive parents really being the gift to your son.
You are the first birthparent to cover this topic and give me more to think about. Thanks!
Coley, can we do the bottle half full? Thanking the birth parent for having such a wonderful child? John