Guilt is defined as “an awareness of having done something wrong accompanied by the feelings of shame and regret.”

I’m sure most birthmothers will agree that at some point in their lives, they have guilt over making an adoption plan. We tend to feel guilty when we have violated rules and not lived up to the expectations of others and most often, even ourselves.

In an open adoption, you may feel guilt for a number of different reasons, the biggest being (at least for me personally) the guilt that comes with not being able to parent my child myself. I sometimes feel guilty because I feel as if I let him down. I also feel guilt for the actions that led up to his conception, the irresponsibility I displayed at that time.

How do you deal with guilt?

• Examine and analyze what is making you feel guilty. Is there anything you can do to change things? If you are feeling guilty because you are not parenting your child for adoption, then in most cases (unless you are a very new birthmom and still have time to revoke your consent) then there is nothing you can do about that, nothing that you can change. But if you are feeling guilty because you are not saving enough money, then there is something you could do to change that.



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• Learn from your mistakes. Use the guilt you feel to learn a life lesson and resolve not to make the same mistakes again.



• Time you guilt. Give yourself ten minutes a day (for example, you can make it shorter/longer if need be) to feel guilty. That’s the time you allow yourself to feel the guilt. The rest of the day, do not allow yourself to feel it because it is virtually an unproductive emotion.



• Start a guilt journal. When you feel guilty about something, write it down.



• Respond rationally to your guilt. Do not go overboard or go to extremes in compensating for your feelings.



• Stay positive and focused on the future. Remember you do not have the ability to change the past, but you do have the ability to change the future. Do not let your guilt for past mistakes consume you. Instead let them drive you to change the future.

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