I recently received this question from another birthmother.

“I moved and lost contact with my child’s adoptive parents. I didn’t write or call them and they don't have my new address, phone number, or email address. I just needed some space but I guess I went about it the wrong way. I really miss them and would like to re-connect. I still have all of their contact information, unless it has changed and I don’t know it.

I want to call, email, or write a letter but am scared. Do you have any advice?”

First of all, try not to be too hard on yourself. You realize that the way the contact lapsed was a mistake and realizing that is a good thing. Unfortunately, sometimes this sort of thing can happen in open adoptions.

Not every birthmother would probably handle the situation in the same way, so I’m going to tell you what I would do and why I would do it that way and then perhaps some of the other readers who are birthmothers can pipe up with comments offering what they might do if they were in this situation themselves.


If I were in this situation, I’d email first. I would email the adoptive mother or father or both and explain what happened. Let them know that you realize that the way you stopped contacting was not the best way you should have gone about things and that you woul like to try and begin reconnecting. I would email because this way this gives them time to think about what to say, how they feel about the situation, etc. Hearing from you again after a year will probably be a bit surprising, but possibly in a good way. They have probably thought of you many times, been worried about you, etc.

Now, I hate to say this, but they might also be upset and not as accepting. They may be hurt for their child’s sake that you stop calling, emailing, etc. They may need some time. Don’t let that stop you though, go ahead and start that email or pick up the phone and make that call – if you don’t, you will probably one day regret it.

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