Standing by the fair entrance calling Jay on his cell phone, again and again, I had to admit that this was a situation that just didn’t fit the ‘norm’ for most kids’ behavior.

I looked back over my shoulder and could see the concerned expressions of my baby-in-laws* and knew I’d have to give an explanation to Jay’s disappearance. I didn’t want them to think he was a bad kid or out of control due to bad parenting. Of all the people that walked this earth, I did not want these ones to think Jimmy and I were bad parents.

After Craig’s rollercoaster ride, Dan* challenged me to go with him on a thrill ride. It was one of those amusement park bigger-than-life rides.

Essentially it was a large metal structure in the shape of a ball attached to two towers by bungee-style cords. The occupants would be launched into the air twirling. Just looking at the ride made my stomach wiggle. For Jay it was overwhelming.

Jay insisted I couldn’t go on the ride. He was very adamant and rigid about it. Right before I walked through the ticket gate with Dan, he stepped in my way and said, “You are not allowed to go.”

I heard the panic in his voice. However I didn’t take the time to talk him through it. Instead I put my arms on his shoulders and said, “It’ll be fine. You’ll see me again in less than a minute.” After that I walked around him and joined Dan on the ride.

Way back in my mind, I knew it was not going to be fine for Jay. However, on this moment and on this day, I wanted it to be okay. I wanted him to ‘learn’ that I was going to be fine even when it seemed overwhelming. Frankly, I also just wanted to have fun for a few minutes and be spontaneous about it.

When Dan and I exited from the ride, Jay was gone. Jimmy didn’t know where he ran off too. He mentioned that Jay had darted before Dan and I were even fully strapped into the flying contraption. Jimmy had Craig and figured Jay would be back in a minute when the ride was over. Jay was 13 and old enough to stray from us under normal circumstances. Jimmy wasn’t overly concerned.

However, I was extremely concerned and became angry with Jimmy’s casualness. I didn’t tell him but I thought, “Why didn’t he pay more attention to Jay’s pending shut down signals or emotions? Why didn’t he see that he was freaking out and keep a short leash on him or talk him through this? Why couldn’t he pay more attention and … and … and…”

And it was my fault. It wasn’t Jimmy I was angry with, I was angry with myself.

Check the 'Special Needs Kids' category for more in this series.

*Dan and Kathy are my son Craig's grandfather and aunt on his birth dad's side. Their names have been changed to protect their privacy.

*Baby-in-laws is how we refer to being family to one another through open adoption. One day I told Dan that he feels like my in-law but wasn’t sure how that worked since he wasn’t Jimmy’s dad. He said we’re baby-in-laws! The name has stuck.

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