Today it was extremely dreary and rainy here. To add to the greyness of the day, my poor ten year old had a little crying jag over a friend who had invited her somewhere for the day, and then let her down by not showing up. Sometimes I get really worried when I see her fall so darn hard over what I consider to be the little predictable losses in life, I wonder at how much harder she is going to crash when the reality of adoption loss fully takes hold.

The fact is that even though we have an open adoption with this daughter’s older siblings and birth grandparents, we have no contact with her birthmother. She sort of wrote us one day early on, and asked us to wait for her to let us know she was ready for more contact. Until then she wanted nothing, no letters, pictures, nothing. We are still waiting.

Although my daughter does not fully understand the loss of communication in this situation, I know someday she will. As I grow to understand how she uniquely deals with things, I can see a pattern for how she may deal with the loss of contact with her birthmother. I know what she will go through at that time will not be a sadness like that of today when her little friend stood her up, it will be much, much more intense. This child feels loss so deeply, so I am afraid there will be no escaping a soul crushing realization some day. That said, she also rebounds with a positive perspective, and I hope she keeps that ability intact.

That is the thing about raising your child, and getting to know who they are and how they process life. Some you find some will be more able to process the losses in adoption, and others will fall, and fall hard. One of the reasons our family wanted openness was to try to lessen those inevitable feelings of loss. In this situation, contact with her birthmother did not materialize for our daughter. So while she may be able to avoid some of the feeling associated with adoption loss now, because she does not process them everyday, she will eventually need to, and perhaps all of them at once.

I often wonder about those who choose a closed adoption to begin with. Do they begin to see over time how their child is going to deal with the losses? Does it become different than what they expected? If their child appears to be sensitive and emotional like mine, do they begin to wonder how contact might have altered the outcome, perhaps lessened the intensity of their loss?

I am sure if they find themselves with a child who has an easy going and resilient nature, they may feel that a closed adoption has not effected any further loss. Every child will have their own perspective about their losses through adoption, the thing is we as parents can do little to control that by our parenting or choice of adoption style. I truly believe it is mostly in the nature of how a child is hard wired to view life.

I felt bad that my poor girl was left high and dry by her friend. Of course I was there to hold her and let her cry it out, and I also saw her recover nicely and regain her sweet and positive disposition. She is not angry at her friend, although I am sure she will explain to her how she was disappointed today.

I will be there for her too when she feel the sting of disappointment and loss over not having the chance to experience visits with her birthmom. I am sure if she has the chance, she will let her know how sad she may feel that this has been a missed opportunity in her life. I think she will rebound though, and I am certain she will hold no grudges.

Living In The Shadows Of Adoption Loss

A Lingering Fantasy, Sort Of Like The Tooth Fairy

Open Adoption, Letting Go, And The Mother Of All Wet Blankets


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