June 27th, 2008
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Categories: Relationships

I have a friend and reader who is also a birthmother who is going through something at the moment and I thought I’d bring this situation to the masses to possibly get some feedback from all of you reading.

Let me present you with the situation first…

M, is a birthmother who placed her son in an open adoption directly following his birth. He is now four years old. She has a pretty good friendship/relationship with his adoptive mother. She (M, the birthmother) is now pregnant with a baby girl that she will be parenting. As she nears her due date, she has been thinking of who she would like to be her daughter’s God Mother. After reflecting back over the important people in her life, her son’s adoptive mom stands out in her mind and she is now considering asking his adoptive mom to be her daughter’s God Mother.

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It’s also important to know that her son’s adoptive parents are now trying to adopt again and are hoping for a baby girl this time around. She wouldn’t want asking the adoptive Mother to be the God Mother to be a “slap in the face” so to speak or for this to become an offensive matter.

Obviously, this is an emotional situation for all involved and since there is no handbook that says what is right or wrong in open adoption M feels like she is walking shaky ground. I’ve never heard of this type of situation happening before but just because I don’t know of it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s never happened.

So, what do you all think? Is this a good idea or is she over stepping bounds?


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4 Responses to “Question Regarding Adoptive Parent Involvement with Future Children”

  1. colgoo says:

    As an adoptive parent, I would be honored and not hurt by a gesture such as that. M can bring up the idea with her son’s adoptive mom, telling her that if it is too hard, she understands. No one wants others to be walking on eggshells around them, and the most important thing in an open adoption is being honest with one another.

    If the adoptive parents are as wonderful as M must think they are, they will probably be able to separate their desires for a daughter from this situation. I would hate for others to exclude me from their baby showers without talking to me about whether or not it would be hard. I wouldn’t want to not bond with a niece that my sibling had biologically just because I was pining for a child. I see this situation in a similar light to these situations.

  2. We did not make my daughter’s adoptive parents the God Parents of either of our sons. Even though we have been extremely close, it just didn’t feel right.

  3. trixila says:

    I have a wonderful relationship with my son’s birthmother (she overnighted breast milk for the first 3 months post-delivery) but I would not want to be Godmother to her child born after my son. My son will already have to handle his own feelings of “why did she place me for adoption and keep this new baby?” Even though I love her and would be honored by such a request, my main priority is to do what is best for my son. Of course in an open adoption he will be told about his birthsibs but this situation is just a little too much for me. Especially if the adoptive parents are waiting for as second placement. And I say this knowing what a positive influence I have been to my son’s birthmother–it has been great to see her mature and grow as a person over the years. Navigating open adoptions can be tricky but my family always falls back on what is in the best interests of the child. Good luck to your friend, who seems to be a good person.

  4. mdlasure says:

    My husband and I are currently waiting to adopt and look forward to having a very open relationship with our future child’s birth-mother.

    If I were in the same situation as the adoptive parents of M’s first baby, and had the relationship described here, I would be HONORED to be chosen as her new baby’s Godmother! Not only would that make the relationship between the birth-mother and the adoptive family even more special, the first baby would be able to know his/her brother or sister as they grew up.

    Many adoptive families realize that an open adoption is better for the child, but what they sometimes forget is that it is often better for the birth-mother as well! Often, the birth-mother isn’t supported by her family in her quest for an adoptive family, and the adoptive mother can often be a confidant, a friend, and the support she needs through the process.

    I feel that my heart has room for not only a child, but a birth-mother as well. I think many adoptive parents would agree that they would love this kind of relationship with a birth-mother.

    Good luck to your friend…

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