Last night I received a text message on my cell phone from a “newer” birthmom (meaning her child is less than a year old) asking me if I received post adoption counseling. I kind of dislike it when people ask me this question because I don’t want my situation to be used as an example when someone is trying to make the decision of whether or not they should seek out post adoption counseling.

My adoption was done independently through a private adoption counselor. It was mentioned to me once or twice that I could have counseling at any point pre or post placement should I desire to do so. I felt ok during the adoption during the adoption process and didn’t feel a need for counseling but after Charlie was placed, I definitely felt ready for counseling but was told to ask my doctor (OBGYN) for a referral. Just getting that referral in and of itself was a huge chore. The doctor didn’t know of any counselors and asked a social worker. The social worker was able to make a recommendation, although this particular counselor had no experience in post adoption issues, she was supposed to have experience in “women’s issues” so I figured that would be sufficient enough, she sounded like my best attempt at counseling, so I made an appointment.

I went into counseling with a positive attitude hoping that I could put my life and feelings into perspective. Being a new birthmother, I didn’t know too much yet about the issues that a birthmother deals with and faces so I really didn’t think that it would matter that much that this counselor didn’t have any specific experiences in counseling birthmothers, but boy was I wrong. Counseling was a disaster.

She tried, I give her that much, but she just really had absolutely no clue about anything that a new birthmother, just a few weeks post placement, deals with or even how to help me work through all the feelings that I was feeling. She just kept asking me what was so wrong in my life at that point and time that I needed to make an adoption plan and how could we make my life better. It was not productive at all.

And to top it all of, she had a baby just a month or two older than Charlie, and would bring him to work. If you are a birthmother, then you probably remember how hard it was to see babies right after you placed your own. It was incredibly hard to try and talk to this woman while she was either feeding her son or patting his infant carrier with her foot.

So, while I have no problem sharing my counseling story and experience with other birthmothers, I don’t want newer birthmothers trying to make the decision of whether or not to seek post adoption counseling to think that just because I had a bad experience that they will. I know some birthmothers who have had great experience with post adoption counseling and it has greatly helped them in the healing process and I honestly think that a huge part of it depends on who is doing the counseling.



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