The other day I was reading the personal blog of someone whom I respect and have a great deal of admiration for. This person is a birthparent who has turned much of their life around, despite some unfortunate situations, and has found many wonderful things to share with others as a result. They have made open adoption a working reality for their family, and provided theirs as an example of what can happen, if everyone makes openness work the way it ideally should. The thing is I found myself coming away from my reading feeling upset on this particular occasion.

Part of what was so upsetting for me, was to read the expressed feeling (yet again), that if everyone would just try harder, everyone should have this same level of success as this special family. I wondered if the “everyone” was in fact just adoptive parents, because that is the most common belief in society in general. I understand that adoptive parents are the ones who hold all the ability to follow through, and sadly many do not, but out there are many others like myself, who do and who fail through no fault of our own.

I have heard so many times that adoptive parents just do not put our whole heart into contact, if we did it would always work, right? This is upsetting to me as an adoptive mom, because I know it can work (I have a situation), and I also know that it can fail (I have a situation). If following a set pattern assured success, I believe I would have three successful, open adoptions, but people are different and we all have our unique issues. Despite my own attempts to keep one of our children’s adoption open, right now things have apparently dissolved for the moment.

The other thing that hurt to read was a sort of impression that because some must just not be working hard enough at open adoption we should be subject to the pity of others. We simply do not “get it”, if we did our open adoption would be working. I really wondered why I should be the subject of the pity from anyone though? Really it’s not that I have not educated myself, I have. I also have worked very hard to try make open (very, very open) adoption possible for all my kids, but a relationship takes all parties to make it work well, and I have run into situations that I can not be party too, because they are harmful and negative. That’s not what I wanted, or expected, and frankly I was upset and disappointed.

I guess (*sigh) that I just wish people would not see adoptive parents as the heavy all the time, simply because they don’t really have control over all things in our kids adoptions. I can chose to do everything I can to make ours picture perfect open adoptions, but communication is a two way street and when the other party is unwilling, unable, or just down right belligerent, it’s OK for me to say enough is enough. I know this person was not directing anything in their blog at me personally, but the ideas expressed still stung a bit. When you spend so much time trying to do the right thing by everyone else, I just think that no pity is needed if you find you have tried and failed. I am ok with that, I know did my best.

Openness Is A Two Way Street

Open Adoption - Prepare To Be Unprepared

Birthparents Who Don’t Care?

When You Don’t Let Go Of Adoption Sadness- Part One

When You Don’t Let Go Of Adoption Sadness- Part Two