Recently there has been a some what controversial study about adoptive parents offering more to their kids, and there by being somehow better parents. This has been quickly followed by a lot of theories about who is better, and what makes them so much more qualified. Some have even brought infertility and self esteem into the already complicated mix as well as questioning what is it exactly that separates birth and adoptive parents in ability.

Personally I cannot speak to everyone’s experience I can however address it from my own perspective. This weighing in by me does not mean I have every answer, this is just my own process of wondering what the heck is going on and sharing it with you reading. Feel free to agree or disagree, after all your unique experience might make other things more apparent to you.

As for that study, I do not believe that as an adoptive parent I am doing any better a job than a biological parent might. The difference however, is that I have had to completely and in depth prove my ability to do that parenting before being grated permission to do so. I do not see that as a bad thing. Children transitioning from one home to another need to be assured that this is a secure place they are going to. For the most part the process is a necessary one.

My question is why does society not feel the need to hold ALL parents equally accountable before hand, not simply adoptive ones? Being a biological parent does not automatically assure that you will be a quality parent. Why do some people believe that we should be encouraging biological parents to parent no matter what? Even after children have been harmed and removed from their biological parents this belief persists and those parents are given every chance to regain a child they may not be fit to parent. Perhaps we should be asking biological parents to provide some evidence that they are going to go into the heavy task of parenting well educated and informed as adoptive parents are already required to do. If that were the case I feel like there would be fewer instances where society needed to clean up a mess made and remove children from homes. To me it seems a bit nuts. For adoptive parents we have them pre-qualify their ability, for biological parents we only come in after the fact, and after an actual child is harmed. In one case we are thinking ahead to protect the interest of a child who cannot do so for themselves, in the other we are allowing what will happen to happen unrestricted till something goes wrong. Bizarre.

I feel being a biological parent in society comes with a greater sense of entitlement than people will admit. I am however someone that feels if we are a careful enough society to licence someone to drive a car, how about providing some training and accountability for everyone who will be responsible for a human life? Did I as an adoptive parent feel somehow entitled to parent? Well after I had opened up every part of my life for scrutiny, submitted to many tests and jumped through several thousand hoops to prove that I could handle the possibility, I guess I at least felt prepared. I felt I had shown others I was prepared. That did not mean I felt entitled to have a child, but it did mean that I had provided information to show that if I was blessed enough to receive the opportunity to parent, I was ready. Why does that make me bad? I do not believe it does. I wanted to be a parent, I did what was necessary to show that I was ready and capable before ever welcoming a child. I think it’s ok for me to feel confident.

Now that I have been blessed with children to parent, I admit I am no perfect parent. I am just about the same as other parents who are working hard every day to do what they feel is best for their children. By the process that came before, the preparation, the accountability, I feel I better understand what to do as well as when I need help and how to go about looking for it. I think every child whether they remain in their biological family or are joined with a forever home through adoption is entitled to that much accountability from society.