I lost a child to closed adoption. When I read posts about open adoption and, particularly, visits, I wonder how I would have handled it. The first problem is that I did not choose to place my child; I was forced to by my parents, the doctor, the agency, etc. I did not choose my son's parents and I was lied to about their characteristics. Second, and more important, my son's adoptive parents joined a religious cult when he was seven (I learned this after reunion when he was 20). He was placed through a Catholic agency and the adoptive parents promised to raise him Catholic. Now, I'm a cafeteria Catholic, and I wouldn't have been too upset about a conversion to a mainstream religion, but a CULT??? How would I have reacted if I had been in an open adoption and learned about the conversion during a visit or through letters, a phone call, whatever. I couldn't have done anything about it. I'm sorry if this is slightly off topic, but when I think about post-visit blues, I think about how awful I would have felt after a visit where I learned my child was being raised in a way that was totally contrary to what I believed was right and totally against what was promised (he was also promised an education but the cult doesn't value education). What would you all do? How would this affect visits or openness in your situation?
NOTE TO ALL: This is not a rant against open adoption. I am not against open adoption. I am just asking how one would cope in a situation.

I appreciate your comment thomasina and I have had to deal with some things that have happened in my son's life that were probably not the way things would have been had I been raising him and it is difficult, very difficult since I have no control or say so in his life anymore. I just have to remind myself that I made the best decision I could at that point in my life. But the guilt and the "what if's" are still there sometimes...
But since you didn't choose adoption and it was forced upon you, that isn't something that you can remind yourself of.

And I can't really say for sure exactly how things would have worked out anyways if I had ended up parenting my son.....

I'm very sorry to hear about your son being raised in a cult. No child should have to deal with that!

Thank you for your support, Coley.
You've been lucky to have constructed a conceptual framework around your adoption that allows you to weigh pros/cons in his upbringing against hypothetical pros/cons in the upbringing he would have had you parented him. This, along with your knowledge of your absence of "rights" in the situation allow you to be circumspect and well considered in your behavior. I'm just not sure I could have done that, particularly given that the adoption was forced on me as was the choice in parents. I think I might have been confrontational enough to cause the a-parents to shut me out. So, I admire those of you who can keep your thoughts to yourself and accept what involvement you are allowed.

Journaling. Keeping busy with work and the kids. General busy-ness.

This is my first time on one of these things so pardon me if im off topic, I had a daughter at 16 and put her up for adoption at the time i had no clue what adoption was being pregnant i was young and dumb i told my family at 7 months out of fear.. I too have an open adoption at first it felt ok i always saw my self as a mother,as i got older i lost touch with the adoptive family for about two years i been a mess dealing with what seemed like a death, they found me the other day after a long time searching on both ends, my daughter has been asking alot of questions they always told her about me since day one, she wants me to come now to her 7th birthday, I always prayed for this day but never assumed it be so soon..My question to all who be willing to help is..Is she to young to understand what she is asking for?, and is it normal to be scared on how i will react? Thomasina, my mother went threw the same thing at a young age forced by her family to give her son for adoption closed,she found alot out about 4 years ago my mother never delt with her anger or sadness over her loss she is a very bitter person to this day..I just want to say i respect you and feel you are brave for be able to voice your feelings with an open mind