I have been reading online about the experiences of some birthparents in open adoptions, who have come to find out over time, that perhaps they really don't like their kid’s adoptive parents very much. I wonder at times if I, like those adoptive parents in question, am susceptible to some very high, unknown, and unattainable standards myself.

I will be the first to admit that it scares the pants off me. I always come away from reading something like that from a birthparent, however justified in their personal situation, and wonder if my own children’s birthparents think those kind of things about me. Do all birthparents buy into that fairytale image society likes to cast of adoptive parents? Perhaps their eventual, and brutal disillusionment is all that I should expect. I am sure we seemed like we had everything so together when all of us first met, but time makes all the flaws and imperfections that are the reality, glaringly apparent. Let's face it, I was doomed from day one.

Over time, and with the revelations that contact and personal experience provide, do my children’s birthparents see our family as falling way, way short of their ideals? When I read about the frustrations of birthmoms who felt they had picked a great family for their child, only to later feel like they made the worst possible choice, I feel sad for them, and worried for myself. Heck maybe what I am reading actually is one of my kid’s birthmoms in pseudo-disguise.

You must know that I was voted “most paranoid” of my high school graduating class. This is what I do.

I am just paranoid ...right?

Isn’t it normal to be less than the “perfect” set of parents? With the way that adoption agencies build up adopting parents to sell only their best qualities, and under only the most positive of lights, is it any wonder that when an adoption is highly open, the plaster falls away, and the human faults are painfully visible? Why do adoption professionals “set up” bot sets of parents in such a way?

This is just one of many things that course through my brain, especially after our recent visits with birthfamily. I am always wondering, do they really like us, or do they just grit their teeth and put up with us because they have to? When they visit and we seem to enjoy our time together, are they faking it? I sincerely hope they aren’t just covering their disappointment because we are not the perfect package deal they were somehow promised.

Photo: © 2007 Deb Donatti