It is a dreary, disgusting day outside, which fairly captures my mood on the inside as well. I just put my four year old down for a nap after having a conversation I never felt we would ever need to have. I had done everything in my power to avoid such a situation, practicing the ideals of openness in adoption to the best of my ability, but the decision was pretty much taken out of my hands. I had to try to explain to my daughter that as of this moment we no longer know the state of her open adoption and can’t say for sure whether or not birth relatives will choose to visit with us again.

When situations arise in an open adoption you can read about plenty of ways to cope, methods to heal, and instructions to follow to return things to an even keel, but unfortunately that old adage about leading a horse to water but not being able to make him drink sometimes rears it’s ugly head. You can follow all the theories that you like, but you may discover that getting the other party involved along with you for reconciliation is nearly impossible. I have grown to understand that today. There has developed a disagreement that only one side appears willing to talk to resolve, ME. So what now?

Well this disagreement is more of a misunderstanding. I know the why and where of it basically. Once my daughter’s birthmother had another child that she attempted to parent and then left him with her shocked and disappointed extended family we became a logical (in their hurting minds) source to vent their anger and frustration. Needless to say we were frustrated as well, and we worried that through it all our daughter would somehow lose her ability to see her birth sibling. We shared this worry and that is where we got hung up in misunderstanding. Her birthfamily feel we wish to some how take the baby away from them (we don’t), and we are concerned that somehow they are allowing him to become a substitute for our daughter’s full time presence in their lives (he can’t). We felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. The unspoken discord was beginning to disrupt our once very open and positive adoption relationship. We asked if we could talk about those concerns with them so all of us might reach some sort of understanding and work to return our extended family of open adoption back to what would best benefit the children involved. They flat out refused. It was even insinuated that simply by our asking we are somehow holding our adopted child “over their head” and again shared they’re belief that we simply want to convince them to relinquish the baby to us. While a new baby might be something our family from time to time has considered, coercing anyone to surrender one to our family is NOT in any way something we are interested in doing.

Well I re-read all the wonderful suggestions I could find about how to handle such a stone wall of discontent, I could not find a solution though. We have informed our daughter’s birthfamily that if they request a visit we will not decline them, but no longer will we forgo our own immediate family plans in favor of theirs as we have done so often in the past. We will focus on stability on our own household, for our daughter, and the decision to be in contact with her is upon them now. We will no longer be setting up visits and coming to them. I wonder if laying the responsibility of relaying their love and concern to our daughter upon them (and not with us) will end the openness but I can’t be sure.

For others who have reached a similar impasse in their own open adoption experience what would I suggest? Well communications can be complicated and always need to be a two way street with both parties fairly and honestly involved. If you ever find yourself unable to connect with the other party leaving the door open for the future possibility of contact is something you CAN do. Also letting your child know that although there might be a change in the contact with their birthfamily they still love him or her and remain interested in how they are doing. Let your child know they have done nothing wrong to bring about the change. Reaching out to others in the adoption community for positive support during the difficult time is also something you can do to help yourself. Remember you are doing what you can and sometimes this is all that can be done.

Resources

About Post Adoption Support

Adoption Relationships

Grief And Open Adoption