Entering into an open adoption can be a complicated endeavor. Even for parents who have prepared themselves in every way available, it can still fall short of what may be needed. Reading books, talking to others who adopted, meeting with counselors, selecting an ethical agency or facilitator, nothing can truly prepare you for the challenges that may lie ahead. Every adoption situation is as unique as the people involved. Every situation changes over time, as well as the feelings of all parties.

Part of what adoptive parents will learn as they move through the process, is that there will be no real way to fully know or understand why a mother chooses to relinquish or even if she did so without any coercion. As much as one might attempt to find the reasons the mother might be considering placement, only the mother herself has the ability to decide if she has been fully informed and adoption is the decision for her. While many might assume that this responsibility would fall totally on the adopting parents, most of it actually rests with the expectant mother.

Adopting parents rely heavily on third party information to make their own decision to enter an adoption with a specific mother. They expect the mother to inform them of her health and state of mind, as well as that of the baby in question. They assume information about the involvement and where abouts of a possible father have been honestly provided. They depend the most on peace of mind that the mother has made a decision freely, and that in her own belief placing her child was necessary. To many the belief is that no mother should place a newborn for adoption, but the decision is truly an individual one. Only the individual mother can judge if adoption is best for herself and child.

Even when adopting parents feel assured that they have sought adoption ethically, allowed distance enough for the mother to form her decision free from pressure, and all the details have been addressed to assure the child will be the focus, things can still go wrong. Years after an adoption the birthmother’s processing of her own grief and regret may become a source for anger. Often this anger is directed at adoptive parents, perhaps because the thought is that if they had not been willing to adopt, no adoption would have transpired. No mother can fully predict at the time she places a child for adoption how she may feel years from that day, and how she may later regret her initial decision. There is also no formula to assure how the individual birthmother will process her grief and regret, for some this goes better than others.

After parents adopt, even if they felt assured that everything was fully considered, and carried out with the best interests of all involved, things and people change. One of the most difficult things adoptive parents can face, in even the best of open adoption relationships, is when the birthmother of their child grows to intensely regret her decision. If she chooses to lay blame for her loss squarely on the adoptive parents of her child, it can devastate the relationship. It is my belief that sometimes the pains associated with placing a child can be overwhelming to a birthmother, and sometimes it is easiest to feel like the adoptive family are responsible.

When an open adoption relationship comes to this unfortunate place in the road, counseling can be beneficial for birth and adoptive parents together as well as individually. The main thing for adoptive parents is to be prepared for the possibility of finding themselves actually unprepared for the way in which a birthparent might be processing their adoption related feelings, days, weeks, or years down the road.

Post Adoption Counseling

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