Adoption already sets a family apart from other, more traditional families, but having an open adoption with a higher level of contact, tends to separate those families even further. At the same time a family in an open adoption might feel alone in their experiences, they also tend to be sort of a fascination to others. We often get the interesting comments, the shocked responses about our degree of openness, and sometimes the avoidance of other adoptive families, because you know what we “have” just might be catching. The feeling I would compare open adoption to is that of being isolated, but while on display in a fish bowl. Many people don’t seem to know or understand much about open adoption, but some of those same people see those of us involved in one as some sort of novelty.

Some of the comments I received from non-adoptive families...

“Oh how wonderful that you could do something like that!” Possibly meaning; that is something so unusual that I would not do it, so better you than me.

“That is so nice of you to allow the birthfamily to visit.” In other potential words; what are you some sort of martyr? Why do you do that if you really don’t have to?

“Well even if it is open, you are still the real parents.” As in hypothetically; oh you go back and forth to those birthparents trying to get their approval. It’s really sad that you don’t just see yourself as the parents, and let them move on with their lives.

You would think that the things families in open adoptions hear from other adoptive parents would be better, but often they are not in open adoptions themselves, and have their own ideas about what your doing...

“Well you really don’t need to tell me about that, seeing that our adoption is not an open one.” Feels a bit like; well I know your adoption is open, mine is not, and your story sort of scares me, so please don’t give me any nightmare ideas.

“Open adoption really is not for everyone.” Perhaps another way of saying; I am not so sure that I would want to try any contact, because I am not sure how well I could control the outcome.

While they are not always saying that exactly, it does feel like it at times. Being in the fish bowl opens you up for hearing all sorts of things that people feel they have a right to say to you. Total strangers often feel like they have a right to ask you personal and detailed information about your child’s open adoption, as well as about their birthparents. If you are like me and you actually share some of that information in a forum of some sort (like a blog) people also believe they have a right to criticize what you say.

Trapped in the fish bowl.

Over time most of us in an open adoption learn how to toughen up, and grow a thicker skin. Being on display in a way though is something that rarely ever goes away completely.

Hiding from Adoption

Adoption Takes A Holiday?

To Be Open Or Not To Be Open, And Damned No Matter What

Photo Credit: Glenda Moore's Cat Stuff Graphics