When parents are bringing a new baby home it is a magical time for any family. With a family formed by way of adoption that fascination and joy over meeting your new child is no different. You have been through all the paperwork and the homestudy, the social workers and the seemingly endless waiting to begin your family, and you survived. It is only natural that once your child is in your arms you are eager to start your life together!

If you have made an open adoption agreement with your child’s birthparents, this is also a time to begin the journey of that relationship. For some parents this might seem overwhelming since you now will begin sleepless nights, endless diaper changes and Dr. Visits among your adjustments as new parents, but honoring your agreement is important too. For your child’s birthmother especially, your willingness to honor your contact agreement will help in her processing the natural stages of grieving she will be experiencing right now. This is a new relationship for everyone, so how do you begin?

Once you are home sending emails or perhaps making a monthly or bi-monthly call to update your child’s birthmother on how the baby is doing gets you off to a good start. Most parents take a ton of photos of the new baby and getting copies for your child’s birthmother is another great way to keep her informed. Some parents might choose to set up a website or photo storage site online for the convenience of their child’s birthmother and her extended family. As you baby changes quickly and outgrows some clothing or toys it may also be a comforting gesture to send some of those articles along with pictures of your child wearing or using them to their birthmother as a keepsake.

An important thing to keep in mind is to listen for the cues from your child’s birthmother about the level of contact she is currently needing or feeling comfortable with. Every person is different and as she moves through her process of grieving and healing she might need certain things at certain times. During this process adoptive parents should not feel like they need to hide or downplay their joy with their new little one. The most companionate way to initiate openness might be to put your joyful expressions in a context that can include your child’s birthmother when you are contacting her, for example: “He has a beautiful smile that reminds us of this photo we have of you in his room!” Sharing in this way lets her know that she is not forgotten and that you value her connection to your child.

After an initial period of time at home and bonding as a family (most families take the first 2-6 mons.) perhaps a visit is in order. If you have agreed to visits this is an optimum time because you have had the chance to bond as a family, and your child’s birthmother has often moved through some of the first stages of her own adjustment. A visit still may be difficult, but knowing she has the option, as per your openness agreement, will help confirm that you are following through with your promises to her. The level of contact and development of your open adoption, as in any other relationship, will grow and change with the passing years and the needs of all involved, most especially your wonderful child.

In review:

*Begin by sending regular (as per your initial agreement) emails, letters of phone calls.

*Mailing updates and photographs in a timely pattern.

*Share positives about your child in a context that lets her know she is important and valued.

*Sending little something extras like an outgrown article of clothing or toy for her to cherish as a special keepsake.

*After the initial period of bonding and adjustment, prepare for visits or extra, agreed upon contacts.

*Be sensitive to changes and the needs of those involved

*Remember the importance of honoring your commitment.

*Enjoy your family (This one is a given!)


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Authentic Beginnings, Real Bonds

Contact Between Adoptive Families and Birth Families After Finalization