When we adopted our first child, and well before, somehow my husband and I just knew we could not take this child, any child, home and not want to keep them connected on some level to their birthfamily. This was not the most popular or understood decision with our friends and family however. Most of them could not understand why we would not want to just take our child home, and enjoy being parents without the constant reminders of how that came to pass. Looking back now, three open adoptions later, I think we can honestly say it is amazing we did not lose or resolve or cave in to the disapproving comments of those family and friends. It was difficult to pursue something which almost no one supported, and even more so when you consider we were basically leading the way for everyone involved, birthfamilies included.

This is not a situation unique to our family, as I have also learned with time and exposure to the larger world of adoption, in fact it’s pretty much to be expected. It is interesting, and somewhat sad, for me to see so many others have experienced the disapproval of those closest to them when choosing open adoption. The lack of support, when adoptive parents decide that an open adoption is the best option for the child they welcomed into their family, is a common concern. But what are folks afraid of? I find it interesting because I know if they were becoming extended birthfamily members, instead of adoptive ones, I am thinking they would understand the contact thing, and want it too. Somehow a lot of it must be in the perspective.

When I consider how little we really knew about adoption, open adoption and what we ended up with (very open adoption), I wonder how we ever found our way to where we have arrived. It started off very simply, we knew this child deserved to know. They deserved to know where they came from, and why they were placed. This was information that was not ours, but we would become the keepers of it till our children could reclaim it. So in the very beginning it was about keeping the child’s information intact with them, no matter where they went.

Later as we welcomed other children home, and additional open relationships were cautiously formed, we knew that birthfamily were also keepers of some of our children’s stories. Some of the things that belonged to our children could not be gathered by us and put aside for a later date, it had to be accumulated along their journey with others. This is when we as parents stepped back to evaluate how part of our new role was to support that accumulation. So we visited more, talked more, and learned more along with their birthfamilies. As we did we also began to notice our own extended family and friends having their "ah ha” moments. They began to get what this was about, the openness. Now I see many of those same family and friends reaching out to our children’s birthfamily members in their own ways.

So in our own family experience, if you are beginning a very open adoption, also expect to meet with some family disapproval. Many will not understand what you are considering, and they will be afraid of that unknown. Trying to include your family and friends who are perhaps not understanding, or do not know how to be supportive, can be difficult. In time you may find they have learned and grown along with you, and have an understanding of the importance for you and your children, in the open adoption decision.

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