Right now some people would probably term our middle child’s “open adoption” as officially closed, I however do not see it that way. We have closed nothing, and we remain continually open to all the possibilities of open adoption, just as we have from the first. Our own input into the relationship is all we ever had, and continue to have control over.

Our family made the commitment to our child’s birthfamily to remain assessable for them, and we remain available. They however have chosen to avoid contact and then have attempted to lay the blame for that loss of connection upon our backs. Well of course we are not interested in taking it on, thank you very much. No where do I feel any relationship warrants accepting blame and guilt for the decisions or actions of the other party. I also stand by my philosophy that open adoption means remaining steadfast in your commitment to be reachable, but never does it mean lying down to accept the wiping of feet from the other party.

How do you avoid taking on more than you should in this kind of situation? Well it is not an easy task, but I believe firm boundaries is the first step. I have found it also does not hurt to have some insight into human psychology. That does not mean you need to become a Sigmund Freud, but it does help to be able to sit back and be objective, perhaps about what the real motivations behind someone who is refusing contact might be.

Just as when adoptive parents might really just be afraid, or threatened, or just simply do not want the added complications, and they sever contact, birthparents may be experiencing fears, anger and guilt that make them shut things down, when that might not truly be what they are after.

In our situation, upon closer reflection, we feel like our daughter’s birthfamily is testing, pushing, so that they will in fact force our hand and get US to close the adoption. But why would someone do this when they do not want a closed adoption? One word. Fear.

We believe that by pushing us to the point that WE make the decision to close the adoption, they will be effectively just “getting it over with” regarding perhaps their greatest fear of the relationship. At the same time they are removing the possibility that WE actually close the adoption on them, for some reason that might make them feel more wounded, and more inadequate. They are in effect trying to save themselves unpredictable pain.

While I don’t think every family can avoid something like this happening, they can educate themselves to recognize the signs, and they can refrain from accepting unfair blame and guilt.

* Remain steadfast in the context of your original agreement. If you said you would send photos, allow calls, continue to do so.

* If the other party is missing those contacts, and then says it is because you have somehow changed your terms, remind them in a short, clear and cordial way that you have not.

* Continue to offer options to work out conflict or misunderstandings without pointing any fingers, and even if those attempts are declined by the other party.

* Find yourself a positive support who will listen to frustrations without offering advice or being judgmental (your pastor?)

Most importantly keep your original goals in clear line of sight, even if the other party is not doing so. Things change and walking away in anger is a permanent fix for what could have turned out to be a temporary bump in the road.

When You Don’t Let Go Of Adoption Sadness- Part One

When You Don’t Let Go Of Adoption Sadness- Part Two



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