While it is true that adoption can provide for the needs of many of the world’s abandoned children, and even offer an option for expectant mothers, who for a myriad of reasons might not be able to parent their child, it is certainly not a cure all. People also offer up openness as a solution for some of the many issues that come with adoption, but sadly even open adoption cannot address everything. Sometimes openness is an odd mixture that can benefit a child in some ways, as well as potentially set them up to repeat negative birthfamily history.

I know with the adoption of our middle child, some might say that no adoption should have occurred, even if it was an open one. The mother was single, she had issues with drug use, homelessness, abuse, mental illness, and incarceration among other things, but all she needed was encouragement, right? Well at the time her family was supportive, but mostly of her decision for an adoption placement, and so we were called into the mix. At first they wanted a closed adoption but we talked them into openness, we thought it would be better for everyone involved. Now looking back I know that although it can be better in some situations, it can also be detrimental in others like ours.

Even though we knew for the first few years of this child’s life her birthmother would be absent (incarcerated), we encouraged an open adoption and visits from her whole family. Some days this has been more helpful than others. Mainly I see we are walking a fine line between remaining close, but just far enough away, that our daughter does not get hooked into repeating a modeled cycle of dysfunction. I do not feel this about all my children’s birthfamilies. My son’s birthparents are loving, functional people who will continue to be a healthy influence for him.

Already we have experienced some issues with our daughter, and her birthfamily have been quick to let us know that her birthmother was the same at that age. This is not comforting, in fact it often makes me wonder how much, by remaining extremely open, I am limiting my daughter’s chances to avoid the pitfalls that sucked her birthmother under. Hearing some omen from her birthfamily, that my daughter’s current behavior is a predictor of her future outcome, is a depressing repercussion from so much contact and openness.

While I still believe in the benefits of open adoption, I can now see from my own experience that there can be some inherent issues as well. Children who have been placed to put them in a situation removed from abuse, violence, or dysfunction can sometimes be at a greater risk from extended open contact. Seeing modeled patterns of behavior can be a concern to adoptive parents who wish to help their child break the birthfamily pattern of dysfunction. I am not saying that our family is somehow superior to our daughter’s birthfamily, but we do offer different opportunities for her, and hopefully better odds for not repeating a bad birthparent history. I really believe many things are pre-programed in us from heredity, but I also think if we are modeled them on a daily basis as well, it makes them harder to avoid poor choices for ourselves. I want our open adoption to be beneficial, but I don’t want it to become a pattern for disaster.

Canceling An Open Adoption Visit

Openness Is A Two Way Street

Birthfamily News - Mixed Media