Recently the talk has been about whether or not open adoption, and ongoing contact with birthfamily equates to the same level of commitment as does a marriage. To many this would appear to be a controversial concept. Although commitment is commitment in some minds, are open adoption and marriage really the same?

A marriage is a relationship formed out of mutual love between two parties. A man and a woman fall in love and legally express that commitment to each other through the bond of marriage. In my experience of open adoption though, while it might represent something similar, it is not exactly like that marriage bond.

When adoptive parents make a family commitment, they make it first and foremost to the child who enters their lives through adoption. Those parents are entering into a commitment with a child whom they will parent when they legally adopt that child. Of course every child, even a newborn or an orphan brings with them a history and a family connection from before they were adopted. For those who desire an open adoption, is it really about mutual love between parties, or more of a marriage of convenience born out of mutual love and commitment to same the child?

I believe if you receive an honest answer from most adoptive parents, you will probably find they never ventured to adopt a child with the idea of also somehow legally joining with that child’s birthfamily as well. The concept of adoption means entering into a legal commitment to a future child for adoptive parents in place of surrendered legal commitment by birthfamily.

Of course adoptive parents who want an open relationship with their child’s birthfamily can make it possible, and in a very positive way with a ton of hard work and certain level of commitment. I would compare this commitment to that of a marriage of convenience though. The adult parties in such a “marriage” are involved not out of (initial) love for each other, but out of a common purpose, the best interests of the child being adopted. Over time, and through building a relationship of mutual respect, I do expect that love grows between birth and adoptive families in open adoptions.

In the event that differences crop up that cannot seem to be resolved between adoptive parents and birthfamily, I believe that adoptive parents commitment remains first to their child. This does not excuse people from attempting to work out rough times, or allow for an easy out for adoptive parents who might not want to be “bothered” by open adoption contact though. It does mean that if efforts fail adoptive parents should not be made to feel like they are worthless and immoral because they make a decision about whether continued contact is possible. As parents that is their responsibility to their family, and their child.

Open adoption a marriage? Well it does seem like it can begin as a “marriage” of sorts, born out of convenience for those adult parties involved, to share their ongoing love and commitment for a child. Like any arranged marriage, the relationship could grow into mutual respect and understanding, even love and friendship, only time will tell for each unique situation.

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