My co-blogger Coley, who also writes for the crisis pregnancy blog, recently did a great post concerning a birthparent view of things a expectant mother should consider before making an adoption plan. Some really great advice! I agree with her wisdom and perspective. While reading this post though, I began thinking how many of those same things could be slightly adjusted and addressed to potential adoptive parents. So many of the same things she spoke of, should be things that those seeking to adopt also consider and prepare for.

The first thing she mentioned, and one that is very important for those considering an open adoption, is knowing that open agreements are not legally enforceable in most states. The responsibility to honor the open agreement with birthfamily rests heavily with the adoptive family. Adoptive families should b up-front and honest before an adoption takes place, about the level of contact they are comfortable with, and their ability to honor said contact agreement.

The next important thing to consider is understanding a birthmother’s grief. Expecting a birthparent to “move on with her life” or to over time feel only good and positive things about her child’s adoption, would not be taking into account the very real grief of placement. The grief a birthparent feels might become manageable on a daily basis, but be prepared, especially in a very open adoption, to see it gain intensity from time to time, as it never completely goes away.

Adopting parents should be honest about presenting their real life situation, and their own flaws to potential birthparents. If adopting parents only present themselves in the best possible light, they might be leading a potential birthmom to feel they are somehow “perfect” when no one really is. Adoptive parents have issues, they divorce, they file bankruptcy, they have flaws, just like anyone else. Having an expectant mom believe adoptive parents are immune to these things befalling them might leave her feeling more sadness if that imagined perfection falls apart. Just present who you are, reality, flaws and all, and acknowledge that bad things can happen down the road to anyone.

Understand new layers of grief may appear down the road if a birthmother never has another child, or even if she goes on to parent or place other children. If a birthmother can never have another child, she will experience another depth to her sadness over placement. It takes a strong adoptive family to face this as it is they who will now be parenting this mother’s only child. There is also much to consider about a mother who may go on to have other children, parented or placed. Each of these situations might add new dimensions to the grief a birthmother feels about not parenting the placed child. Adoptive parents should consider these possibilities and try to prepare to handle them in a compassionate way through their open adoption.

Adoptive parents in an open relationship should also prepare for how the adoption of a child affects the extended birthfamily. The child they adopt will also be grieved and missed by grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and not just birthparents. Every family member deals with this in their own way, so an adoptive family should be prepared for a variety of reactions, anything from joy to denial and anger. Every adopted child comes with this history and extended birthfamily so it should be considered whether adoptive parents have met them or have contact with them or not.

Lastly adoptive parents should try to fully understand the reasons for a mother making an adoptive placement as best they are able before any placement occurs. If things sound wrong, temporary, or if they are aware of things that might be helpful for the woman who might truly desire to parent, they should step back and allow her to explore those things first. No adoptive parents should want to bring home a child no freely given out of love and compassion into their care.

For those who would like to read Coley’s list for mothers considering an adoption plan, you can see her original list here.

How To - Truly Consider Open Adoption

Advice on Making an Open Adoption Plan