Note: Before you get to the heart of this post, let me clarify that in this post I am referring to women who severely abuse their children and as a result the child or children are removed by the state. I am not referring to women whose children were removed for another reason than neglect or abuse, or women who met all the requirements to get their children back placed up on them by the state, their children were not returned and their rights were terminated.

Recently in my area, a young mother killed her six month old baby by stomping on her and choking her. Charlie and his sister, N, who is also adopted happened to over hear this story on the news.

N (who is 11) made the comment that the mother should have given her baby to another family and let them adopt her and Charlie piped up in saying, “Yeah, like our birthmoms did.” N then went on to say something about how some children are adopted because their parents are “mean or don’t take care of them.”

As A was relaying this story to me, when she got to that particular comment, my heart sank. I never ever ever EVER want Charlie to think that he was adopted because I was abusive to him!

Luckily when this whole conversation was taking place A was thinking the same thing I was thinking upon her re-telling the conversation and she began to attempt to explain as best she could in terms that two children could understand that although I (and N’s birthmom as well) may share the title of birthmother with birthmothers who’s children were taken from them by the state because they were abusive or neglectful doesn’t mean that their birthmothers were like that. She then went on to explain that we (N’s birthmom and myself) made adoption plans because we weren’t ready to parent another child at that time in our lives but that we were never abusive or neglectful to them.

I’m glad that A was able to see the direction that their young minds might be headed and tried to attempt to explain the difference in birthmoms whose children are taken from them and birthmothers who make adoption plans, but I worry about how much they really understood.

But like she said on the phone while discussing this, how do you really explain that to a child and how much did they really understand? Especially Charlie, since he is much younger than N. I have a feeling that this will not be the end of that discussion.

I’m in no way trying to be judgmental, but there really is a difference amongst the various women and types of women who share the title of birthmother.

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Related Posts:
Being Charlie’s Burpmom
The Kind of People who Take Babies Away