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Open Adoption Blog

06/02/07

Not So Unprecedented Mr. Pertman

Posted by : Deb Donatti in Open Adoption Blog at 11:26 am , 714 words, 451 views  
Categories: Abnormal Adoption Process, In The News, Society's View


Ok, one of the stories going around the web for the last week or so, is concerning a Minnesota couple who has decided to use what the articles term as “billboards” to get the word out that they are interested in adopting a baby.

Tom and Claire Halverson, after waiting for over three years to locate a newborn available for adoption, decided to post 3feet by 4feet homemade signs ( billboards?) along the route they travel to the craft fairs where they peddle their beautiful artwork. Some have recently questioned how ethical such an approach might be. In his own comment on the situation, Adam Pertman of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, shared his concerns about how ethics might come into play.

"Forming a family, whether biological or through adoption, is a private, personal act.”

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Well he is right about that one. Some families however, in their private, personal decision making process, decide that telling as many people as possible they want to adopt is “ok” with them. I know our family certainly did. Does this make it unethical though? I think the telling people you want to adopt part is not unethical (depending on how the sign is worded), but the handling of the resulting responses from expectant mothers does need to be addressed in an ethical way.

Pertman said he's never heard of a family using billboards to advertise they want to adopt, and couldn't find any news story that has featured it before.

"It's apparently unprecedented.”


Well, not so unprecedented, just perhaps not always in the news. I know when we were seeking to adopt a second child, we had a huge magnet on the side of our van that shared that info with the world (ours a mere 12 inches by 24 inches though). Our family saw the sign (billboard?) with the same intent as the Halversons apparently do, simply as a way to reach as many people as possible with the news that they want to adopt.

This is called networking. Of course there are ways to “network” unethically. A big ole sign shouting “Will buy a baby”, would come to mind, but what about “Our family is interested in adopting”? My guess is most readers of the latter sign may feel, ok, good for you. Some might think about adoption, shaded by their perspective (if they have any), and others might just know of someone who is considering adoption and might be interested in such a family. Is that not what online adoption profiles do as well?

The thing is people have a choice to read, and a choice to respond, or not. Where ethics come into play is when someone actually contacts a couple about a sign they have placed sharing their interest in adoption, and expresses an interest in placement. Ethical obligations for an adoption can still be met, they will just be the responsibility of both parties involved, and not perhaps the third party of an adoption agency, that might have matched a couple with a mother through their own advertising. I admit it is a fine line.

Well for the Halversons, the signs have already put them in touch with a mother who would like to consider them for her soon to be born baby. NOW is the time that they should work together to make sure ethics are upheld. They should put this young mother in touch with resources to help her find if parenting is possible, and counseling in an unbiased setting. They should make sure they have met the legal obligations in the event that this contact results in a placement of adoption as well. They must educate themselves, complete counseling, homestudy, and legal requirements, as well as stepping back to allow full freedom to this young woman to make her choice for her child free from any pressure and coercion. If they are able to do all these things and an adoption placement does result, then I feel they have met the responsibility for an ethical adoption, and the signs will not have changed that in any way.

Adoption Networking?

What is the perfect family?

How to Advertise for a baby...

How to Advertise for a baby...part 2

How to Advertise for a baby...part 3

Adoption Decisions: Matching with a Placing Mother



Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: soblessed [Member] Email
I agree, Deb....whether or not to "advertise" your willingness to adopt is a personal decision.

And your ideas about being ethical once the contact is made are right on the mark, IMO. I guess the only other concern I would have is what the birthparents would do to make sure the couple they relinquish their baby to are capable of being "good parents". Maybe the homestudy would serve for this? While I often chaffed at the personal intrusions and still dislike the post-placement visits, I do recognize the necessity of making sure that relinquished children go to couples who are financially, emotionally and psychologically prepared to begin parenting (well, as prepared as anyone CAN be :)_

Another great post, Deb!!
PermalinkPermalink 06/02/07 @ 12:00
Comment from: Sandra Hanks Benoiton [Member] Email · http://international.adoptionblogs.com/
Not to do too blatant a plug, but I did write extensively about this issue in my book, "The Adoption.com Guide to US Infant Adoption".
http://adoptionshop.com/adoption_products/adoption.com-guide-to-us-infant-adoption.com-e-book.html

Okay ... it's a blatant plug, but I worked very hard to address many of these issues.
PermalinkPermalink 06/02/07 @ 12:36
Comment from: soblessed [Member] Email
Cool, Sandra! I'll check it out :)
PermalinkPermalink 06/02/07 @ 13:18
Comment from: erin_d_a [Member] Email
There are some bigger issues with this couple than just the billboards. If you read their website they demonstrate some major loathing for a woman who chose not to place her baby with them. Just that in itself makes me question their commitment to an ethical adoption.

I'm not a fan of adoption advertising in any way because I think it can plant the idea of placing a child in the mind of a woman who would otherwise not even think about it. She may see this advertising and already be scared and confused and then she sees a wealthy couple renting out a billboard. I just think it is in very poor taste, to say the least, and I don't think it is very ethical.
PermalinkPermalink 06/02/07 @ 13:25
Comment from: Jan Baker [Member] Email · http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/
"I just think it is in very poor taste, to say the least, and I don't think it is very ethical."

I could not agree more. I too have a post coming out soon about this same billboard story.
PermalinkPermalink 06/02/07 @ 13:58
Comment from: soblessed [Member] Email
"I'm not a fan of adoption advertising in any way because I think it can plant the idea of placing a child in the mind of a woman who would otherwise not even think about it"

But I thought the point is that ALL options are supposed to be presented to an expectant mom in order for her to make her own INFORMED choice. If she is scared and confused, then she should be presented with all of her options.....
PermalinkPermalink 06/02/07 @ 18:00
Comment from: lahdh4 [Member] Email
Reading the whole story and everything -- he creeps me out. Just the way that he made some comments. Doesn't rub me the right way.
PermalinkPermalink 06/03/07 @ 09:44
Comment from: erin_d_a [Member] Email
"But I thought the point is that ALL options are supposed to be presented to an expectant mom in order for her to make her own INFORMED choice. If she is scared and confused, then she should be presented with all of her options"

Why should ALL options be presented to a woman who is pregnant? I know many women who have placed for adoption who were perfectly able to parent. They were young and single and maybe not in the best place to parent, but could have done it but the people around them felt like they needed to be presented with their options. Everybody knows what adoption is. If a woman is thinking about adoption, then she can find an agency, but if she is facing an unplanned pregnancy it isn't right to play on her fears as she drives down the freeway.
PermalinkPermalink 06/03/07 @ 10:28
Comment from: soblessed [Member] Email
What I'm hearing you say, Erin, is that everyone should remain mum about adoption as an option in an unexpected pregnancy. Is that wgat your saying? If that is the case, then we need to agree to disagree. I fully believe that an INFORMED choice is the best way to make a good fit for the baby (which is first priority) and the best chance a bmom has to come to peace with her decision, which is also a high priority.

If, after education on both parenting and adoption, an expectant mom chooses to parent, then she knows she explored other options and they weren't right for her baby. If, on the other hand, she chooses adoption, she knows she gave parenting serious and considered thought and it was not the best fit for her baby.

The concern I would have here with advertising for a private adoption is who makes sure the expectant mom has all options impartially and throughly presented to her. Don't get me wrong....I think private adoptions can and do work, but I can see how it's a leap of faith to assume that the aparents will make sure she gets all of the information. But, just as everyone knows adoption, so too does everyone know parenting and an expectant mom has resources for information, there, too.

Great topic, Deb! :)

PermalinkPermalink 06/03/07 @ 11:50
Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member] Email · http://open.adoptionblogs.com
erin_d_a
We lost one baby already due to the mother's failure to be decisive about it. The baby was taken by the county.
This is what the website says about the possible adoption that did not occur.
Personally I do not see this as demonstrating "major loathing" for this woman, You are sure reading a ton into those words. I see nothing unethical about what he said either.
Apparently there were dissapointed because the mother chose to allow the baby to be removed by the state. I think it is sad for a child to be removed to foster care, but that was her choice.
I think I would have been dissapointed for our family and sad for the child if this had happened to us. Does that make me unethical?
Two of my children would have been removed to foster care had we not adopted. I am glad that their birthmothers made the choice for them to be adopted. I think the kids have had a better, more stable life, and they still have been able to know and develop loving relationships with birthfamily members. That never would have happened in a closed foster adoption.
PermalinkPermalink 06/03/07 @ 14:16
Comment from: erin_d_a [Member] Email
I went through a failed placement, had a little girl come home with us and her mom chose to parent. And then the baby was taken into state custody. I have NEVER to this day said a bad thing about the mom. She has become a close friend, yes I think this demonstrates loathing. It also demonstrates a huge lack of understanding for birthparents, which I believe is essential to successfully raising adopted children.

Also, soblessed, I think a woman can make an informed decision without agencies pushing adoption in her face. I have heard from many MANY young single women who had no plans to place their children who received business cards from people who want to adopt, from their doctors, friends, family, etc... Also OB/GYNs sometimes will have agency stuff in their offices. If a woman wants to learn about adoption for her child it isn't hard to find an agency, it shouldn't be shoved at her while she is driving down the freeway, or while she is looking at myspace, or a website about pregnancy. It should be on the expectant mom to seek out information about adoption if she doesn't feel able to parent, not the agency advertising so that they can build families. That is not what adoption should be about, but it is what it has become about, finding children for families in need, not finding families for children in need.
PermalinkPermalink 06/03/07 @ 16:51
Comment from: soblessed [Member] Email
There are advertisements all over most OB/GYN offices for parenting, nursing, and child rearing practices. Expectant moms need to visit the OB/GYN frequently during pregnancy. Do you consider that "shoving parenting" in someone's face? I don't.

DH and I decided to forego the fertility route and adopt once we were officially diagnosed as "infertile". There is TONS of information regarding fertility treatments in OB/GYN offices and also in other public places. I don't feel like fertility treatments are being shoved in my face. I can choose to read it or I can choose to tune it out.

"We lost one baby already due to the mother's failure to be decisive about it. The baby was taken by the county"

Is this what you meant by "major loathing"? I see pain, but not loathing. I agree with Deb, I think you are placing a fair amount of interpretation onto this statement.

"That is not what adoption should be about, but it is what it has become about, finding children for families in need, not finding families for children in need."

That statement sounds good, but I have to disagree with you, here. My ds was facing a life of starvation, begging on the streets and/or child prostitution. His bmom didn't choose to place him for adoption because I was available to be his amom. In fact, I don't think that my deciding to build my family through adoption and ds being born into poverty have anything to do with each other.



Looks like we are going to have to agree to disagree, but that's okay. That's what's great about commenting...you can agree or disagree :)
PermalinkPermalink 06/03/07 @ 18:27
Comment from: erin_d_a [Member] Email
"There are advertisements all over most OB/GYN offices for parenting, nursing, and child rearing practices. Expectant moms need to visit the OB/GYN frequently during pregnancy. Do you consider that "shoving parenting" in someone's face? I don't."

Adoption is so very different from parenting! Adoption should be a last resort and natural families should be preserved. If you look at the research on birthmothers the vast majority are able to be good parents. A woman once said to me the wrong women are placing, and it is all to often true. Almost every birth mother I know is a competent capable woman, and would have made a fine parent to her child. However because adoption was shoved in her face during her pregnancy because she was too poor, or too single, or too young, she chose to place her child.

Adoption can be and often is GOOD for a child, but all too often it is done because a woman is pressured into it when she is at her weakest and most vulnerable. I'm speaking of domestic, not international.

It should be expected of any pregnant woman that she is going to parent her child. The "advertising" you speak of in the doctors office isn't advertising, it is talking about the issues that the vast majority of the women there will face. They should be encouraged to breast feed, rear their children with love and discipline. Those offices shouldn't be a place where they are asked to give someone else their baby. They should be encouraged to find a way to parent their baby! Why is it okay to ever EVER ask a woman to place her baby for adoption. I don't think it is. I think that it should only be directed from the pregnant woman herself, and never from an outside influence. And if she doesn't feel that she can parent all she has to do is turn to the yellow pages and find an adoption agency. I truly believe it is morally wrong to advertise adoption to women. Perhaps we should concentrate on keeping babies with mothers who CAN take care of them, and finding homes for the children whose mothers cannot take care of them closer to birth rather than letting them languish in the foster system for years and years.
PermalinkPermalink 06/03/07 @ 20:52
Comment from: soblessed [Member] Email
Erin, I appreciate your passion, but as I said, I think we are going to need to agree to disagree.
PermalinkPermalink 06/03/07 @ 20:55
Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member] Email · http://open.adoptionblogs.com
It should be expected of any pregnant woman that she is going to parent her child.

And so the birthmother of one of my daughters would have had her for 2-3 weeks tops before she went to DFS? I disagree, she made a better choice in adoption than to just allow the chips just fall where they might for her baby, especially when she knew what was going to occur.
Perhaps we should concentrate on keeping babies with mothers who CAN take care of them, and finding homes for the children whose mothers cannot take care of them closer to birth rather than letting them languish in the foster system for years and years.

And so HOW do you think those children ended up in foster care? Parents who never should have took babies home did, and why? Because they could, not because it was the best thing for the child's long term needs.
In any account this post was about using a sign (billboard?) to tell people you wish to adopt. I do not see a problem with it. If I am interested adopting I can tell who I like, doesn't mean anyone has to acknowledge it, but I have the right.
PermalinkPermalink 06/03/07 @ 21:22
Comment from: erin_d_a [Member] Email
Deb, the majority of women who place there babies for adoption CAN parent! The wrong women are placing. Most of the women whose children end up in foster care NEVER CONSIDER adoption in the first

And I don't think you have the right. I think it is wrong. It should be 100% in the hands of birthparents. I'm not a big fan of the government getting involved in stuff, but I think that adoption advertising of anything beyond the yellowpages should be illegal.

but we will have to agree to disagree on this.
PermalinkPermalink 06/03/07 @ 21:41
Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member] Email · http://open.adoptionblogs.com
Most of the women whose children end up in foster care NEVER CONSIDER adoption

Uh, yeah I know that, and perhaps they SHOULD have.
I think that adoption advertising of anything beyond the yellowpages should be illegal

Telling people that they have not right to say "Hello, we are interested in adopting" would open the window for a ton of other no no's. Don't put a bumper sticker that says you are a Christian on your car, because I am a Muslim and don't want to read it. Don't publish your choice on the issues of the day on a sign, or tee shirt, or anything. Don't show ME who YOUR favored political candidate is, it goes on and on.
I think people who want to adopt can tell people they wish to adopt. What people DO with the info is their business too.
I am curious about how your located your daughter's birthparents?

Your right, we have to agree to disagree.
PermalinkPermalink 06/03/07 @ 22:19
Comment from: erin_d_a [Member] Email
If the women that SHOULD be reached for adoption aren't, doesn't it show that adoption advertising is ineffective. How about the scores of mothers who have placed because of adoption advertising who later realize that they could have parented. We should always err on the side of justice, not the side of we want to be parents.

We went through an agency. We felt it was immoral to network at all. We had to put together a profile and we actually turned down several situations where we felt mom was capable of parenting.
PermalinkPermalink 06/03/07 @ 23:10
Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member] Email · http://open.adoptionblogs.com
Interesting, we certianly have different views.
We avoided using an agency simply because our family could not reconcile how an extra $10-15,000 dollars in "expenses" through an agency would be ethical.
Our girls adoptions costs were kept under $5,000 total each, if an agency had been involved those fees would have been $20-30,000. No one could give me an ethical reason why. The birthmothers would not get the extra $15,000 in services, neither would the child or adoptive family. Looked like agency profit to us, so we networked (under $100.oo worth for all three of our adoptions combined).
For you "immoral" for us not seen that way at all. We did what we felt was the best ethical approuch to adoption too, problem is there are tons of ideas out there about what exactly that is.
PermalinkPermalink 06/04/07 @ 15:04
Comment from: erin_d_a [Member] Email
We wanted to make sure our daughters mom had adequate counseling. That she fully considered parenting, that she had the chance to explore her options. We trusted and still DO trust the counselor at the agency. We also used a not for profit agency. Also we know that our daughters mother made a parenting plan with her counselor and really explored why she wasn't parenting and why she felt she couldn't do it. When you network who checks to see if mom has gotten counseling? Who plants the idea of adoption in their head? Who insures they have fully explored parenting? Who can work out coercion issues? Nobody. It is vitally important in an ethical adoption that mom has excellent counseling, which rarely happens with or without an agency, but is much more likely to happen with an ethical agency.
PermalinkPermalink 06/04/07 @ 16:51
Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member] Email · http://open.adoptionblogs.com
There are tons of people who would tell you that NO adoption agency of any kind would be able to "counsel" a woman ehtically about her options.

To Erin, I would love to talk with you more about our differing views on ethics, please feel free to email me privately however, the comments section is full.
PermalinkPermalink 06/04/07 @ 18:08
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