Another negative aspect of open adoption (again, this could work for any adoption situation) is the “what if” factor.

I kind of blindly placed Charlie, I didn’t research my options much, I didn’t really look into parenting. I just thought that I would never be able to successfully parent two children as a single mother and that Noah’s special needs would make parenting two children much harder. I also really wanted my baby to have a stable home with a mother and a father, neither of which I could provide at that moment in time. I also had financial concerns to worry about so from the beginning when I found out I was pregnant with Charlie, I thought of adoption.

I do feel that I made the best possible decision that I could at that time with the information I had. That doesn’t mean that it has made grieving any easier or lessened the “what ifs.” I do wonder about what could have been and what might have been had I chosen to parent. But I now believe that I could have handled raising two children. Yes it would have been difficult, yes we probably would have struggled, and I wouldn’t have been able to give either of my children many of the fancy material things that they want, but we would have been together and been a small family.

Obviously though, I can’t go back and change the past know how much I wish that I could. In order for me to be a healthy person, I have to just accept the adoption; what’s done is done and move forward in life.

The chorus to the song What Might Have Been by Little Texas perfectly describes how I feel so I conclude with those lyrics.

I try not to think about
What might have been,
Cause that was then
And we’ve taken different roads
We cant go back again, there’s no use giving in
And there’s no way to know
What might have been.

--
Negatives
Other Negatives in my NaBloPoMom Series:
1. Negative: Hearing Him Call Someone Else Mom
2. Negative: Moments Missed
3. Negative: Society's View
4. Negative: Emotions and Grieving
5. Things I don’t Know

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