One of the negative aspects of open adoption (again, this will work for all types of adoption) is that my whole family has lost a member of their extended biological family.

While I was pregnant, I mainly thought about what I was going to loose and the fact that I was going to loose the privilege of mothering one of my children. I didn’t give a whole lot (or any really) of thought to the fact that my family would be loosing a family member as well. It’s sometimes as if we have lost a person who should be sitting at our holiday dinner table.

My parents have lost the privilege to be grandparents to Charlie in a “normal” sense, my brother has lost a nephew, and the hardest one of all for me to deal with is that Noah has lost a brother and that sibling. Granted through open adoption some of the sibling ties and biological family member ties remain intact (and I will cover this in the positive post tomorrow) but for all intents and purposes that normal relationship of grandparent/grandson, uncle/nephew, and brothers was severed when I relinquished my own parental rights. And in turn, Charlie has lost that “normal” type of relationship with each of those biological relatives, although he gained relatives through adoption.

Each of my family members that we are speaking of, my parents, my brother, and Noah, have had to or will have to grieve the loss of the typical relationship that they have lost. I think in the beginning right after relinquishment the grief was probably the hardest for both of my parents but it has now lessened just as mine have although I know they still grieve. One birthday my mother declined coming to Charlie’s party because she thought it would be too hard on her. I don’t know that Noah totally gets what he lost in a brother or that he will ever because of his special needs.

That’s one thing that the agencies and adoption professionals tend to forget to tell you – that relinquishing not only affects you but it affects your extended family members as well.

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Other Negatives in my NaBloPoMom Series:
1. Negative: Hearing Him Call Someone Else Mom
2. Negative: Moments Missed
3. Negative: Society's View
4. Negative: Emotions and Grieving
5. Things I don’t Know
6. The What If’s
7. Swimming in Uncharted Waters

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