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Myth Number Two: Birthmoms will come and steal or kidnap their child(ren). 
Oh, this is a fun one to tackle at the moment in light of the Alison Quets case, the birthmom who recently kidnapped her own twins from their adoptive parents after she battled them for custody in the court systems for seventeen months. I think it’s important to keep in mind that this case is far and few between. It is rare.
Most birthmothers in open adoptions don’t get to the desperate point that Alison Quets did. You must keep in mind with her case, that there were many wrongs. She tried to revoke her consent not long after signing. That case and her desperate act are rare.
But, even before the Alison Quets case, I’ve heard it mentioned that others (people uneducated about adoption) have this pre-conceived notion that open adoption makes it easier for a birthmom to kidnap her children. In fact, people have said this to A. before once they find out I have been to their home, know where they live, their address, etc. I asked her what she does when people say this to her and she has three different responses, just depending on her mood. She will a.- look at them like they are crazy; b – tell them she will kidnap him back since she knows where I live too or c- educate them that open adoption is based on love, trust, and respect and that we each have love, trust, and respect for each other and respect the boundaries of open adoption.
Also, most birthparents don’t have court ordered visitation rights as Alison Quets did. The adoptive parents in other open adoption situations have the control to say whether or not a birthmom can have her birthchild for an overnight visit, take them alone somewhere on a visit, or if they should all just visit together. It’s up to the adoptive parents and the birth parents as to what both parties and the child are most comfortable with. As A. tells people, open adoptions are built on trust!
I wonder if this kind of thing is also rare among those whose rights are terminated against their will?
Many kids in foster-adoption situations fall in this category. The birthmom of our children doesn’t have our address (we send her pictures and letters at least once a year, using my husband’s work address), but it would be simple enough for her to come up with, if she were determined to do something desperate.
One of the reasons I haven’t encouraged (or facilitated) more contact with birthmom/birthdad in the four years we’ve had them is that I’m afraid it will both confuse the kids (ages 4,6) and make it more likely she’ll try to get them back any way she can. Am I nuts to think this way? Is this something I should bring up with the birthmom, to whom I speak once or twice a year?
I think you have to look at things a little differently when the children were taken from a birthmother. A lot of it (in my opion) would depend on why the state removed them in the first place.
I am not a professional and have no idea as to what effects it would have on the children but could see where it might be difficult transitioning at first.
I would think that the case worker through the state could help you with some of that. Typically, don’t they outline visits and what not in the case plan?
Thanks for reading and commenting?
This is one myth that really irks me. L&B have some family members who wonder why they are in an open adoption and this is one of the reasons they bring up.
This is one myth that really irks me. L&B have some family members who wonder why they are in an open adoption and this is one of the reasons they bring up.
Same here Leigh!
Speaking as a birth mother whose rights were terminated against her will,I once had court ordered unsupervised visits with my birth daughter, and I never considered kidnapping her. Even when it came down to the fact that I was pretty sure I would never see her again. Birth mothers actually kidnapping their biological child(ren)is very rare, but unfortunately, that is the only time birth mothers are on the news.
I often wonder tales of birth mother kidnappings are part of why my biological daughter’s adoptive parents will not allow me any contact with them or her.